Ideas

Last night Rhiannon and I went for a before-bed-swim after that 36 degree day. Then we went for a dilly bar at DQ. And so we were driving around and I turned on the radio to listen to Ideas. It may have been a rerun but it was about homelessness. While we were listening, they played excerpts from a conference on homelessness in Calgary earlier in the year. In particular, there was a particularly articulate and knowledgeable woman, Susan Scott, a journalist and author of two books who read aloud a letter she had written to a friend she called Clarissa. Susan Scott carefully explained the legislation and attitudes that have brought about our current problems with homelessness. It was heartrending to listen to. For me, it was all to real. For 5 years I worked with many people in this area who were sometimes couch surfing and usually one step away from being homeless. And listening to their stories, and learning about them as individuals, I realized that really, "but for the grace of God go I". What separated me from them was mostly circumstances and support. Often they had absolutely no supports in their lives. In that case, one little thing goes wrong and it can be a real domino effect.

Tears came to my eyes listening to this reality and thinking about these people whom I had come to care very deeply about who put a face on poverty for me. Tears came to my eyes as I contemplated our society and our country from this perspective. My heart was wrenched and my efforts seemed puny. I wished that in one broad stroke I could change all of that, set it right in an instant so that all this suffering could end.

And so my commitment and passion for what I strive to create with others at the Inner World School is renewed. I truly believe that by healing ourselves and then our families and communities is the only real way to heal the world. I believe that by children growing up with self confidence and understanding and compassion for themselves will we have the leaders for tomorrow that our world needs.

It is so convenient to look at China (the media's current favourite) or Afghanistan or Kosovo or wherever and point our judging finger and organize protests and march and boycott and speak out. There is nothing wrong with those efforts. It only seems to me that we get all passionate about issues that we don't understand all the complexities of and that exist in another society, in another culture half a world away where we can have so very little effect. What about right here? What about in our own communities where we can really do something? Where the effort required is more than an afternoon spent at a protest but where we can have a huge impact? What about in our own lives? Our own choices? What about our own politics? I think we are lulled into thinking about other places and find it so easy to judge instead of asking these hard questions and actually DOING something. It is easier to sign an online petition and think, "well, that's all I can do..." and feel somehow satisfied and as though we have done something than to really look at the heart wrenching problems and wrestle with the complexities and think and discuss and change. That takes real, deep effort and passion.

In the silence in the van after Ideas is over and I turn off the radio, my almost 8 year old daughter in the back seat says to me, "Mom, why is there money?" and I explain bartering and how we came to use money. And she says, "But why do we even have to barter and trade? Why don't we just share what we have? Why doesn't everyone share?" And answering her as honestly as I could, I talked a little about greed and the widespread fear that there will not be enough that leads to hoarding and I talked about trust. Mostly I think it is because we do not trust each other to genuinely care about one another that if we share, we will be left with not enough for ourselves. We don't trust that we are loved. And I don't think that is because others do not love us well enough. I think it is because we don't love ourselves enough. From there it all follows. When we learn to love ourselves as the mighty and powerful, graceful and compassionate, amazing people that we are, our love will flow.

That old commandment, "love thy neighbour as thyself" which is really two commands and the one naturally flows from the other.

So, I challenge you to think about your own community and your place in it. I challenge you to listen to the broadcast that I did last night that can be found here or http://odeo.com/episodes/22540477-Losing-Place

And listen, really listen what is said. If you don't have most of an hour to listen, listen just to Susan Scott's part. It starts at 15 minutes, 13 seconds and goes for about 10 minutes. Just listen.

Proactive Parenting

So, I loved those 2 'grounded' days so much that I decided to do it on a regular basis. Not called 'grounding' any more, of course, although, I suppose that is what it does - ground us all. Every first week end of the month is a 'family week end'. No phone, no computer, no sleep overs, no friends. Just us doing things together. I sent out an e-mail reminding everyone and then I made a loooooooong list of possible 'projects' and possible 'activities'. I woke them up at 10:30 and we started breakfast at 11. It was their choice of breakfast so it started with hashbrowns and sausages. Breakfast was a 2 hour affair. We made it together, ate it together and cleaned up together. And during, we discussed what we would like to do together. We decided to paint Kaetlyn's room and make a chicken tractor and to go out for dinner to a Chinese buffet (14 year old bottomless-pit-boy strongly advocated). We made a list of needed supplies and went out to Mills Paint and Home Hardware and picked up primer, paint, 2x2's (why are they called 2x2's when they are really 1.5x1.5?) and screws and came home to get to work. I had a blast. I would love to do that EVERY week end...

You can see here, Kaetlyn's pumpkin room disappearing and my chicken tractor beginning to take form...














So there are those who would say that forcing my kids to do this was bad form. Definitely not 'unschooling'. And I have to admit that I have mostly not found parenting to be a black and white philosophical thing. And in my efforts to meet the needs of my children, it has not always been obvious what to do. I judge whether or not I am headed in the right direction on whether or not they are happy. I dragged them into this week end kicking and screaming (well, not literally but at least they were pretty grouchy Saturday morning...). They had no choice about whether or not to participate. But it seems to me that I saw smiles on their faces; that there was some joking, camaraderie and a sense of accomplishment. Enough that I think I did the right thing and I am looking forward to the first week end in May...

On Raising Teenagers

There is nothing quite as humbling as being a parent to teenagers. Nothing quite like it to make you doubt your parenting skills and wonder if it is possible that you have ever done anything right. It is truly unchartered territory for most people, I think. Oh sure, I have not doubt there are some parents and teens who sail through these hormone charged years with finesse. However, this is not my experience. And wouldn't it be nice if you could just read a book and find all the answers there? This also has not been my experience. But I have had some really great mentors...

Monday was an interesting day. On this evening one of my teens (who shall remain nameless) did something exceptionally bone headed. And then, while fetching bed linens, I overheard my other teen bragging about having done something exceptionally bone headed on the week end very loudly. So loudly and proudly that what I did cannot be described as eavesdropping as it was impossible not to hear and did not require me to put my ear up to the door. I won't describe these bone headed acts for several reasons: to protect the privacy of my teenagers and to protect myself from the judgement of all those who don't yet have teenagers who read my blog and who would be certifiably certain of my complete lack of parenting skills as evident in the behaviour of my children...

So I have a theory about these kinds of things that I developed while parenting my first teenager (now 21). It seemed that anytime she was planning to pull some kind of stunt or in the midst of pulling one, I would inevitably find out by some serendipitous way (that did not involve snooping) what was up. It happened far too often to be coincidence and I grew to believe that some part of her really wanted me to know so I could rein her in when she couldn't rein in herself (my usual modus operandi) or she needed my guidance and involvement in this aspect of her life.

So, I gave these 2 current teens an option. They could choose to be grounded for a month (an outrageous consequence that I hoped they would not choose) or they could spend the next 2 days doing everything together with me. I told them I was so excited that we would be spending so much time together and their assumed grouchy stance was hard to maintain. We decided to celebrate by making apple spice waffles from the "Simply In Season" cookbook I have out of the library. (Well, maybe I was the only one openly celebrating but I think they were celebrating on the inside.) We cleaned the kitchen, I rushed off to an almost forgotten Ballet Jorgen production of Anastasia with Rhiannon. When I got back home, we decided to have a wiener roast for dinner and went out to do some yard work and gather sticks. Yesterday they came with me to a first day of spring celebration on my friend's beautiful property. Before these '2 days with mom' are over, there must be a 2 hour one-on-one chat with me which will become a biweekly connection and for one week end a month, we will do this very thing - spend the entire week end together. There they are in the background - they don't look like they are doing so bad, do they?

For me it is always a dance. I was raised on fear with so many rigid rules based on the same fear and I resented not being trusted to have good judgement or make my own decisions. I have always told my kids that they have good judgement and can make their own decisions and have respected their right to choose their own paths. However, I have discovered that sometimes they need me to be a little more involved. They need to know I care enough to have limits about their boneheaded behaviour and that I love them enough to try to do something about it and that the solution usually is spending more time with me.

And as for parenting teenagers, it seems I will be getting lots of practise. When Rhiannon turns 20, I will have been the mother of at least one teen for 20 uninterrupted years (she turns 13 two months before Drew turns 20 who turned 13 one month after Erin turned 20. It would seem I am destined to learn the finesse of these skills...

What I Love About Him

My relationships have taken a rather circuitous route. I've learned and grown and changed a lot. One of the consequences of all that evolving was that I ended up alone, a single parent to three children. Dean and I have been together for almost 10 years now. He is the love of my life and we have had some great times and we have learned and grown a lot together. One of the greatest challenges in our life together has been the step-parenting aspect. It has been challenging for all involved - for my kids who sometimes want things from him they don't get - for him who sometimes gets pushed beyond what he ever thought he would - for me who is always in the middle, loving them both, sometimes more than they love each other...

But this week end is not a time like that. This week end Dean and Drew have gone camping together. It wasn't my idea. I didn't nag or drop hints. The only thing I did was book the campsite at Dean's request. The planned the food, they packed the food, the tent and everything else they needed with excitement and anticipation. We all watched the weather forcast and as it got worse and worse as the week progressed, I thought for sure they would cancel. But they both knew that it would be almost impossible to reschedule and they would not get to do it this summer. So even in the rain, they packed up. It was sunny when I dropped them off. I left them there at Ellison, both of them with huge grins. I laughed and said they were just so glad to get away from me!

It started raining pretty early in the evening. But Dean called to say they had decided to stay anyways and have an adventure. So I am leaving shortly to go and collect them this Father's Day morning, with my heart full of love for both of them.

Coming of Age

Well, today my man-boy was more of a man. I had the brakes done on the van - everything complete - last spring. And when we started hearing that squealing sound in February and took it in because I thought it was the CV joint, our mechanic assured us it was the brakes and as it was much too soon to be having that problem, it must just be a defect in putting the squealers in at the factory. If it was too annoying, bring it in and he would grind them down.... But we were busy and we could put up with a little noise after all. And then it started making other sounds... and then my foot started vibrating when I applied the brakes and I began to think that it might be a little more serious than we imagined at first.

Sure enough, when we took it in to Dave again, the brake on the drivers side was down to the rotor. There had been a defect with the calliper and it had got stuck and worn down the brake pads prematurely... This is the garage where Andrew has been doing a mentorship for the last year - going in for 2 days a week to help and observe and learn and it has been awesome and perfect for him! Well, Dave was completely booked until Thursday but clearly we couldn't drive it any more and it is our only vehicle. So he said that Andrew could come in and do the brakes and he would supervise.

So today, my son did my brakes. And they are perfect. Most of the parts were covered by warranty - we only had to buy a rotor. So the whole thing only cost me $50 and a peanut butter mocha from Midian.

All these years of clothing and feeding him are finally paying off....

And seriously, I see the pride in my son's face at what he is able to contribute to our family. No one else in our family can do this kind of thing. This was not a 'make work' project designed to 'teach' him something. He did something that was necessary - that was vitally important. And he knows it. He has just experienced being needed - of being an integral part of our family in a very real way. This is something too many teens are lacking. This is not something that he could have experienced in school the way schools operate right now. Too many teens today feel superfluous and our education system fails them. We spend so much time trying to stuff information into kids' heads and forcing them to retain it and regurgitate it. Yet psychological studies show that what determines your success and happiness in life is not how much you know but how you feel about yourself. He might not yet know his times tables but ask my son how he feels about himself today... He can learn whatever he wants when he is ready to and he knows it.

Parenting Conundrum

I have been having a discussion about parenting with some friends. Parenting - something we all agonize over... I was laying in bed this morning thinking about it - about all the parenting theories that I have learned about, all the things I have tried and struggled with and thinking about the thoughts of my friends. And this is what I have come up with....

You know, 20 years ago (or 22 years ago when I started studying it formally) when I first became a parent, Adlerian pyschology was all the rage. STEP (systematic training for effective parenting) was the accepted 'way' to parent loosely based on Behavioural Psychology. Books like "Children the Challenge" by Dreikers was a popular parenting standard. Rewards were encouraged and the shaping of children's behaviour was accepted. Training kids.

Now, there are books like "Punished by Rewards" by Alfie Kohn which bring up very good points about the downside of rewards. And books by Gordon Neufeld about attachment. And all the ways people parented before are wrong and there is a new way - let your children find their own boundaries and limits.

Its all so confusing. And all so misleading. There are two underlying themes - parents are responsible for how their kids behave and you can tell bad parenting by how the kids act and if you can figure out the right parenting technique, then everything will be perfect. Seems to add up to a lot of parenting guilt. The problem is that there is a kernal of truth in it all. It is true that how we treat our children affects them. It is true that there is a downside to rewards and that attachment is very important. And it is true that children need to know what is acceptable behaviour in society. It is actually true that we reward and punish our children in millions of subtle ways everyday with our approval and disapproval. It is unavoidable unless we are emotionless robots who respond exactly the same way for everything. And what would be the point of that? And that would actually damage them considerably. We all thrive on human interaction. We all need it. And we are all shaped by it for good and bad.

It seems to me that it all misses the point. There is one single thing that effects our children more than anything else. How we treat ourselves. How we love ourselves. How we respect our own boundaries. How strong we are in ourselves. This one thing affects EVERYTHING we do. We can have the perfect parenting 'technique' but it will fail if we don't love ourselves. Of course there is value in learning different parenting styles and techniques. But it is secondary. If we don't have the first it is all pointless. Why? Because love is the key. When we love and accept ourselves, we can love and accept our children. And if we judge and shame ourselves, no matter how hard we try with different techniques, we will do it to our children. We may not see it at the time, but it always comes out in the end.

So what is the point of all of this? That the most important thing we can do for our kids is to look after ourselves, to be honest about our boundaries; to respect ourselves. When we live in this environment, then the love and respect spill over to our children, our spouses, our friends. It all starts with the self. After that, choose the kind of parenting technique that resonates with you and works with your children. There is no one right way. Love is the way. There are no two parents that are exactly the same and there are no two children who are exactly the same.