Perfect Moments

Yesterday the sun was shining.  I have been suffering with the worst cold sores I have ever had.  I took the opportunity to sit with my face in the sun.  I sat my chair facing the sun and found myself looking at the hills of Kal Lake Park.  Suddenly I was longing to be walking up that hill in my bare feet on the warming spring ground with my dog.  So I just did.  I did take along some shoes just in case I found it unpleasant but it was even more wonderful that I imagined.  My feet felt so incredibly great on the earth.  I went the least trod path that didn't have gravel.  There was no one in the park - just me and Jodi and the birds.  It was so still and sweet and reverently quiet.  It was a series of perfect moment as I touched the rocks and the trees and just took it all in.  Breathed.  It was perfect.

Today was a busy day.  I had another 'Auntie Andrea' day with my nephews.  Only today, Adriel is having his first sleep over by himself.  After Sarah and Kyle left with Sloan, Andrew, Adriel and I headed out for a walk with the dogs - me on foot and them on bike.  Andrew, soft spoken with his 6'4" frame on his park bike and Adriel talking a mile a minute about everything - about what a great bike rider he is and about how amazing Andrew's tricks are.  Their voices drifting back to me  in the spring evening air as they ride ahead - Andrew's low dulcet murmurs and Adriel's excited, high voice.  Andrew doing tricks and Adriel showing him his tricks which mostly consisted of taking his feet off of his pedals and doing the 'bike splits'.  Adriel trying to copy some of Andrew's tricks.  3 dogs trotting by my side and the sun just above the hills sending long shadows.

When we got home, we did the chores before going out for ice cream.  Adriel loves doing the chores.  He and Andrew filled up the rabbit feeders as I filled the water bottles.  I am behind them as we walk into the house to get Rhiannon.  "You're a fun cousin, Andrew."  "You're a fun cousin, too, Adriel."

Perfection.

All Alone

So I have managed it. Andrew is in Kamloops. Rhiannon and Dean are camping with Rhiannon's friend and her dad. I am alone. My whole life, as the oldest of 12 children and someone who became a mom at 21, to be all alone is premium. The house is quiet. I have Skydiggers playing off of the computer. I am going to eat whatever I feel like whenever I feel like it. The sun is slowly fading from the sky. The house is a mess but I will slowly clean it and it will stay that way. And right now I am going to do whatever I feel like... now, what is that?

Grateful

Like Laura, with our many childhood moves, I was often lonely and longing for a good friend. My young prayers were regularly heartfelt pleadings for friends. I have certainly been blessed in my life with very good friends. Ronni and I have been friends for almost 20 years now. The weekend before the May long weekend she swooped in to help me. At that time my garden consisted of one bed with early plantings of lettuce, mustard, kale, etc. and 9 overgrown beds that would have looked better in the lawn... It was so overwhelming I couldn't bring myself to start despite 60 tomato plants which were almost ready to be planted. She hates gardening. Her garden consists of 5 pots of herbs on her patio that she complains if she has to weed once or twice. But she was there, spade in hand, digging and weeding one of my largest beds. Pretty soon Dean joined us and tackled one of the worst beds. By the time she left, it was starting to look a lot more like a garden than a weed patch! While I spent every waking moment in my garden, she cooked and cleaned and made her usual gourmet quality food.

Then she took me out for the dreaded job of finding my 'mother-of-the-bride' dress. We went to every store in Vernon and Kelowna that carries women's wear. Did you know that patterns are in this year? And I needed a solid? And did you know that all those little original-looking boutique shops really carry just the same thing but at different prices? We saw the exact same dress in almost every shop only varying in price from $75 - $200. The stores were almost closing and we had not found a dress that I loved. We had one reserved as back up but I hated the way it made my knees look - which showed. (And I know all you knock-kneed sisters know what I'm talking about!) We stumbled upon a Melanie Lynn shop with 30 minutes to spare. We had the nicest sales lady we had had all day. And we got my dress. Its dark blue. And its rather form fitting. (I wanted a full skirt but there is no such animal in solid colour in Kelowna or Vernon). Ah, the elation of having that difficult problem settled.

We were all along for this long day of shopping - Eryn, Andrew, Rhiannon and Ronni's daughter. Eryn had taken the girls to H2O about half way through the day. So now, mission accomplished, we picked them up and went out for dinner. A wonderful long dinner at Kelsey's in Kelowna where we talked and laughed and shared good food and lingered there for more than 2 hours. It was the perfect ending to our day. One of those moments that you try to memorize to remember often.

The next morning our mission was shoes for R & M who are the flower girls at the wedding and for me. We managed to get them all at the Vernon Mall. Then we drove them to the airport and saw them off. It was a whirlwind visit but we got so much done. It was the support that I needed to feel like I could actually do this. She left with my heart full of gratitude for this friendship. It has been a long one and it has been a reciprocal one. I have been there for her in the same way. It is one where we spend a lot of time laughing and we have done our share of crying, too. It is such a great gift to have a friend like that. She whooshed in and with typical Ronni style, she just got everything on track with her complete belief that it could be done.

A Day Among Days

So, Eryn says that I always make this day about me. But hey, this my blog and I get to write in here about what I want to write about and about my life, my perspective. And 23 years ago, this was the biggest day of my life. The day I became a mother. I suspect that one day, when she holds a little tatooed baby in her arms, she will understand. It is a day I always mark in my own way. This is the day my life changed forever in ways I could have never predicted.

I adore her. I adored her from the first moment I looked into her muddy blue eyes - so intensely looking back at me. She was definitely not born into the best circumstances. I was only 21 and I had a whole lot to learn about myself, about life although at the time, I thought I had it all figured out.

She saved me and I saved her. I have no doubt that our Souls already knew and loved each other and that we made promises to each other. I know she has a very strong spirit. She would have to have gone through all the things that we went through together and all the things she suffered because of my immature parenting and my own self-centred-ness to be the person she is today. It is a credit to her own perseverance; to her own strength of character; to her own soul.

Sometimes she looks at me with those deep brown eyes in such a way and it pierces me to the depths of my soul and I know her - more than just as her mother in the way that mothers and daughters know each other. I KNOW her from more than this lifetime. And I love her so much - bigger than my heart can hold. In that moment I am as overwhelmed with love for her as I was when I first met her.

I thinks she is amazing - beautiful, smart, funny, intelligent and determined. And on this day 23 years ago, I was blessed with being her mother. And for that, I will always be grateful.

Abundance

Everyone left the table tonight totally stuffed. Stuffed. With the abundance from our own delicious garden. We had zucchini pancakes (thank you M-S - we've had them every week since you gave me the recipe), baked squash (red curry), fresh salsa with tortilla chips and baked stuffed jalapeños. With our first freezing temperatures forcasted for tomorrow night, it has been time to bring in the last of the produce. Already our large country kitchen is knee deep in tomatoes... And it is with such gratitude that we eat this bounty knowing that it will be many months before we will have any so fresh. We are savouring it! And doing our best to make the most of it and not waste a drop.

I am so grateful for the abundance in my life - in more ways than the fruitfulness of my garden. Last night I met with 2 friends. We meet every month to 'check in' and we have been doing it for 7 years. We share the details of our lives, we support each other, we listen, we laugh and we leave feeling recharged and so grateful for each other.

Then Saturday morning found different friends at my house come to answer my poor chicken's needs as they perched locked up on the coop to keep them safe from the coyote who kept coming back. They brought their know-how, their bobcat and picked up all the very heavy supplies in their pick up truck and before the end of the day we had erected together a very skookum fence around my coop and the chickens were happily pecking and scratching and exploring their new boundaries (much bigger than before). All during the day, I was in awe of their generosity to me - so lovingly and happily and willingly given from their hearts. I have really great friends! I really do!

And Monday (okay, this is in no kind of chronological order but it is how I was thinking about it, okay?), another friend rushed over early to help us herd our chickens back into the coop after we inadvertently let them out and were scared to leave the house with the coyote so close. This friend also gives us rides so often, we should be on their insurance! She really makes our lives richer and easier by accommodating us so graciously. I am so grateful for her kindness!

And in the end, I am filled up - filled with the real love and caring of my friends, of the miracle of creation. And I am grateful. Very grateful. I am blessed!

What I Love About Him

My relationships have taken a rather circuitous route. I've learned and grown and changed a lot. One of the consequences of all that evolving was that I ended up alone, a single parent to three children. Dean and I have been together for almost 10 years now. He is the love of my life and we have had some great times and we have learned and grown a lot together. One of the greatest challenges in our life together has been the step-parenting aspect. It has been challenging for all involved - for my kids who sometimes want things from him they don't get - for him who sometimes gets pushed beyond what he ever thought he would - for me who is always in the middle, loving them both, sometimes more than they love each other...

But this week end is not a time like that. This week end Dean and Drew have gone camping together. It wasn't my idea. I didn't nag or drop hints. The only thing I did was book the campsite at Dean's request. The planned the food, they packed the food, the tent and everything else they needed with excitement and anticipation. We all watched the weather forcast and as it got worse and worse as the week progressed, I thought for sure they would cancel. But they both knew that it would be almost impossible to reschedule and they would not get to do it this summer. So even in the rain, they packed up. It was sunny when I dropped them off. I left them there at Ellison, both of them with huge grins. I laughed and said they were just so glad to get away from me!

It started raining pretty early in the evening. But Dean called to say they had decided to stay anyways and have an adventure. So I am leaving shortly to go and collect them this Father's Day morning, with my heart full of love for both of them.

What I Remember

It is interesting what we remember, isn't it? I was thinking about this, amongst other things, as I sat in a community meeting about eating locally (where were you, Monique?). Looking around the room, I saw several people I knew from my almost 13 years in Vernon. I saw one woman farther down the row who I remember but who does not remember me. For me, she is unforgettable.

I met her when I was in the hospital with an 8 month old baby having just broken both my legs. It was a shocking situation for me to be in. I was stunned by the fact that days before I had been running and jumping and now I couldn't even get up. She was one of my nurses. She had been my nurse for several days. Her manner was brusque and bossy and she annoyed me. She seemed insensitive.

A young physiotherapist had been assigned to help me figure out how to manoeuver myself with my arms now that I couldn't use my legs. When you break your knees, you don't even get a cast, so I could absolutely only put weight on my arms. Anyone who knows me, knows that the nickname 'small arms' aptly applies to my upper body strength. I was now supposed to lift myself up by my arms to transport myself from bed to commode or bed to wheelchair. This was my second session and it was not going well. The physio was busy talking to another physio. They had both recently had babies and were gabbing about their children as she absentmindedly told me what to do. I was flustered and desperately trying to do what she said and failing because I was too weak but she barely noticed me and was awkwardly shoving and manipulating me as I got more and more discouraged. She left and for the first time since the accident, I was in tears. I couldn't see how I was ever going to be able to go home, how I would be able to manage myself at all. I sat there behind the curtain with tears of impotence running down my face. And my nurse saw. And she understood. And she helped me. She told me I was going to be able to do it. She got another physio who was much better at teaching me how to lever myself so I could move around. And I began to see that I would be able to do it.

Her kindness and compassion when she saw my vulnerability is something I will never forget. In the 6 years since then, I have seen her around town maybe 5 or 6 times and she doesn't remember me any more but I will never forget her. Every time I see her face, I remember her kindness to me when I so desperately needed it. Every time I see her, I am filled with gratitude and love for her and I hope that she feels it coming through the air.... (and yes, I have told her in person, the first time I met her after I was out of the hospital, she was embarrassed to be so thanked and flustered but I could tell that it meant something to her, too, to be acknowledged like that)

And it just got me to thinking. I am sure I couldn't spot that physio who so carelessly worked on me without seeing me. Within months she was out of my mind and my memory. But I will never forget that nurse.