A Toast

25 years ago today I was in the Richmond General Hospital recovering from the trauma that was my firstborn's birth.  A quarter of a Century between then and now, she has been with me for more than half my life.  Although with 11 younger siblings I had plenty of hands on experience with babies but she was the one who initiated me into motherhood.  I can see her still as she was then - already asserting her personality and working her hands and feet out of any wrap that I or the nurses put her in; her intense murky blue eyes taking everything in.

So many changes we have lived through together - some happy, some not.  Many great ideas that weren't really that great - all those mercurial things you do in your 20's  (that I did in my 20's...)she was there for.  And she was always one of the best things about my life.

Last night we had a party to celebrate her 25 years on the planet.  I put everything into it.  We had vegetarian chili and artesian bread that I made myself and home made french bread and artichoke dip and hummus - all made by me.  The floors were washed and the rooms tidied.  And I roasted squash and cooked beets and made 2 rebar chocolate cakes (amazing!  Turned out the best I have ever done!)I worked all day starting at 4am.  And as I worked, I thought about her and what I would like to say at this 1/4 of a Century celebration.  People started arriving.  It was loud.  We visited and ate and worked together.  And by the time we were singing and eating cake, I was far too exhausted to say any of the things I had thought of.  So here it is:

A Toast

To my beautiful, talented daughter who has graced my life with love and laughter and friendship - more than I ever hoped for and more than I deserve.  To you, Eryn.  Who can find the words to describe all that a daughter is - all that you have been to me.  Who can find the words to describe the amazing unfoldment I have been honoured to witness as your mother?  A beautiful, creative, musical soul, a young woman who knows her own mind.  Someone who is not afraid to speak up.  A determined, courageous, brave person who I am so inexpressibly grateful to know.  Here's to you, Eryn.  I love you!

Back to it

Well, after all those big dramatic posts, its hard to just pick up again and tell you about the everyday things I want to tell you about. Its been a very busy summer with lots of guests and lots of fun. Maybe a little too much fun. It has been wonderful to see people and spend time but it has been alot. I figured it out and from the time that Layne arrived on January 10, until last Monday we either had company or were company for all that time except for a total of 5 weeks. And that stress - most of the times a good stress - has taken its toll. Last weekend when we dropped my friend's daughter back in Calgary and spent a few days shopping and doing Calgary things and then came home, we were alone at last. We've just been quietly doing our thing. When I looked at the forecast and saw that just this past weekend would likely be the last good hot days of the summer, Rhiannon, Drew and I went to the beach every day. Just the three of us (well, Eryn and Tyler showed up on Sunday but they don't count). Dean was in Canmore with Redfish in case you are wondering. My garden has suffered and I haven't put up as much food as I usually have by now. We're getting back into the groove. Here are some images from our fun and very (overly) full summer.

End of May girls at the beach. Shopping marathon for mother-of-the-bride dress. (Thanks again, Ronni! I really couldn't have done it without you!)













George the disable chicken brought in to die in peace ends up outliving all his compatriots and even survives the wedding. He eventually died with full bowls of food and water in front of him on the evening of July 21. Dean buried him and shed a few tears...












Lots of cousin time over the wedding













and after














Lots of walks with Iris... we still miss you!











































Rabbits for sale!

















Lots of rabbit babies













Fantastic August weather and New Denver here we come! Beautiful lake, good friends, good food, lots of music and lots of talking over card games. Perfect holiday!


























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Rabbit time and rabbit projects!


















Friends hanging out and doing all the summer things - parties, water slides, matinees and the beach!













Calgary time: shopping, Callaway and the Calgary Corn Maze:














































Fanciest dinner ever! Can you say carnivore heaven?














Driving back to BC in the rain....

Amazing Grace

I had the sense as we entered the last week before 'the wedding' that it was a lot like labour. If you are pregnant, you know that it is inevitably coming and once it starts, you know that there is nothing to do but be completely consumed by the process until it is over. For me, it really was like a birth. Only done much better than the first time. The first time I was very alone. Sure her dad was there and my parents were even just outside the door. But I hadn't been allowed to eat for 2 days before the birth because they were inducing me and soon after the birth everyone cleared out, the hospital kitchen was closed and Norm refused to go and get me food. I have never been so hungry. After that no one visited me and Norm didn't even want to give me a ride home. I was back to work in our business just 3 days after she was born. He made it clear that she was 'my thing'. It was lonely My mother had twins 6 months before. Katie came to help me once a week but other than that I was on my own.

Not so this time. Layne, who has been helping with the preparations since he arrived in January (including shovelling out the chicken coop and other stinky jobs) was here all day on the Sunday before with Zach helping to get ready. Then, Katie and Brent arrived that day, the 12, just after he left and set to work. They worked all day everyday getting things ready - cleaning kitchen drawers and windows and stripping and waxing the floors. Planting blueberry bushes, black currants, cucumbers and cantaloupe and weeding my garden. Helping me finish the shopping - especially forcing me to get the bra I needed. And shirts. We bought 3 shirts for Dean before it was approved.... The week whizzed by. I sewed flower girl dresses. Katie felt guilty if she wasn't working. We swept and washed and shopped and delivered food.

My friend Bozenka baked and cooked for the dinner until she couldn't stand on her arthritic ankles any more. She gave me all the best that she has working in an inferior kitchen and dealing with delays, shortages, and inexperienced help. The food was a masterpiece. Her sister, Goranka, along with her husband, Thomas and son, Daniel even travelled all the way from Calgary to help making this most amazing wedding dinner. They did so much for me and my daughter! I am truly fortunate to have them as my friends. Bozenka's help extended even to the slaughtering, plucking, gutting and cutting up of the meat birds who became the chicken portion of the dinner.

Bozenka's daughter, Jelena, (an amazing film maker) travelled on the greyhound to film the whole proceedings - she started with the wedding preparations and then the bridal party and then on to the wedding and the reception. I can't wait to see it! It will be so nice to watch it when I am relaxed! And of course when she wasn't filming, she was helping in the kitchen, running errands and making sure everything was as perfect as possible.

Laura arrived with camera gear and new lenses in hand to be the photographer. She was there, making a record of everything and when she didn't have a camera in front of her face and she wasn't making camera plans, she did whatever needed to be done.

Layne and Zach were there to help along with Avereigh who arrived with John. That group of strong boys (Drew, Ave, Zach, Douglas and Josh) could be seen doing heavy lifting and assembling as tables and chairs and tarps were erected. They did anything I asked them to - carry flower pots in from the garden, hang up hanging pots. They were awesome!

People showed up to weed, to deliver little white Christmas lights, to drop off food and baskets of flowers. Even Andrew's girlfriend, Chelle, arrived on the bus Wednesday night and worked her butt off doing whatever was needed for the wedding. I love that girl!

My brother Doug arrived on Thursday afternoon. The tarps that had collapsed the night before (like I told them they would if it actually rained...) were fixed by the tarp meister Brent and Doug and his boys. They were everywhere, doing everything. A whirl of activity I didn't have to direct. Mostly I shopped and sewed.

John, Brenna and Alysha drove all night, stopped off at Becky's and then arrived here on Friday morning. Without even a nap (except for Alysha) they went right to work in the kitchen. And they worked and they worked and they worked. John picked up all the dishes and delivered them.

Auntie Heather and Uncle Dennis - the only representatives of their generation from the bride's side of the family - arrived on Friday afternoon - twinkly lights and iced brownies in hand and immediately chipped in. Even up to the time the ceremony was about to begin, there was Uncle Dennis, pruning lilac bushes. Without me having to say much, they were just in there. Auntie Heather covering tables with table clothes. Funny, did she realized she used the one that Grandma B gave me for a wedding present? Somehow I just felt better with them there. They set up camp at the back of my driveway so they were right on site Saturday morning.

Friday evening Ronni arrived from Calgary on the plane. Picked up by Katie (I was sewing) and immediately set to work buying last minute things, working in the kitchen, making sure people got fed. And in general keeping me organized.

Friday night my sister says to me, "tomorrow, you be the mother of the bride (and the flower girl seamstress) and I'll be the wedding planner" and with that she took over. She took care of every detail. She made things happen and I can't even write about it without tears rolling down my cheeks. I felt so loved and so supported and I am so grateful there are no words. (and I have to blow my nose, now) Oh, and did I mention that she did all this with a box of kleenex attached to her hip while popping allergy pills because of my 3 cats?

Bethany arrived and put finishing touches on the decorating - beautified my bathroom and helped arranged the tables outside.

Saturday morning (I was sewing) even Becky came to help in the kitchen. And Katie and Ronni worked and worked and worked.

Brent hoisted Eclipse who in the end, weighed more than the 80 lbs the rotisserie was intended for, onto the BBQ and began what he had been preparing for a year to do. With his best foodie instincts, he BBQ'ed the lamb to perfection. He could hardly sleep the two nights coming up to it, worrying about how it would work out. It was amazing. It was the best lamb I have ever eaten.

Katie did my hair while I was sewing. I finished sewing at 12:30 - in time to have a bath to shave my legs, and get dressed. Delanie did my make up. And then the impatient marriage commissioner was there, standing in the middle of the patio.

Ronni was running the last errands - which included buying Andrew shoes. It was Andrew holding up the wedding as he tore off his clothes and got his wedding clothes on. Then the music was playing (All is Love by Bjork) and Dean and Andrew were walking her down our porch stairs.

The wedding commissioner was terrible. In addition to being impatient, she got their names wrong at crucial moments. She called Eryn "Rachel Eryn Kleyh" and Tyler, Taylor.... although it was great fodder for jokes for the rest of the evening... c'mon. If you were a marriage commissioner, wouldn't you practise saying the names?

Then there was the ribbon ceremony. I read a poem by Maya Angelou that Ronni had looked up and written out for me the night before. And we all tied ribbons around their joined hands. (wedding party and family) I was last. Did I say something profound? No. I told them that I could hardly concentrate on the ceremony because I was so distracted by the imperfections in the patio bricks...haha. We all laughed. (but not so long ago, they were no laughing matter...)

Katie and Ronni helped prepare the food. They helped serve the food. Ronni didn't even get a chance to do her hair or make up for the wedding. I just want you all to know that really she usually looks very classy and well put together. I have always envied her sense of style. John, Alysha, Brenna and Christian took orders and delivered food. Kaetlyn and Nadia, after helping in the kitchen, also helped dish up the food.

My friend, Louise, arrived on Saturday morning and didn't leave until midnight. She helped make the food, dish the food, clean up after the food.

I wavered between feeling guilty that everyone was working so hard and being overwhelmed with gratitude, buoyed up on the love of my siblings and my friends. And then the dinner was over, the speeches were said (I didn't make notes; I forgot half of what I wanted to say) and the music started. The white twinkly lights were softly glowing and the music was fun. The dance floor was full of my nieces and nephews and my brothers. And then I was able to be right there in that moment. Dancing near my brother Jordan and his wife, Tracy, holding hands with Maria on one side and Mary on the other. Soon there was a little circle of nieces and it was perfect. It was absolutely perfect. I was in the middle of all my joy, buoyed up and supported by the love of my family. I felt it in that moment - so pure, so wholehearted, so selfless.

Eventually the music changed and I went back inside where nieces and nephews were falling asleep watching Harry Potter, and we cleaned up the kitchen and started putting the rented dishes back in their boxes. It all wrapped up around 1am. I drove Eryn and Tyler in their car to the room at the Illahee Inn that Laurel booked for them. Katie followed and drove me back home. Then we started bringing in the platters of food and finding ways of fitting it in the fridge. By 3:30 we were sitting in the kitchen, too tired to go to bed until Brent came downstairs and got us on our way.

And that was the wedding. Such an incredibly intense experience. There is still the glow of love around here left over from the 7 of my 11 siblings who were here and my Aunt and Uncle who travelled so far to be here and my friends Ronni and Bozenka, who would do anything for me. Because they love me. And and Goranka, Thomas and Daniel and Jelena and Louise who did so much for the love of me and Bozenka and my daughter. And I am so grateful to have experienced that so fully and completely. Will Eryn ever really know what was done for her?

Wedding Bells

Well, most of you already know that Eryn and Tyler got engaged last week. Its official, they've set the date. Eryn has already given all the details so what is there left for me to tell? I am very happy about it all. As I've said before, Tyler fits into our family like the missing piece. And what I love the most about him is how well he loves my daughter. She has had enough tough life experiences to grow a hard little shell but it is wonderful to see how easily he cracked it all wide open. It is a delight to listen to her excitedly planning her wedding after years of being disaffected on the subject. And maybe, you just never know.... I might even get grandchildren!

A Day Among Days

So, Eryn says that I always make this day about me. But hey, this my blog and I get to write in here about what I want to write about and about my life, my perspective. And 23 years ago, this was the biggest day of my life. The day I became a mother. I suspect that one day, when she holds a little tatooed baby in her arms, she will understand. It is a day I always mark in my own way. This is the day my life changed forever in ways I could have never predicted.

I adore her. I adored her from the first moment I looked into her muddy blue eyes - so intensely looking back at me. She was definitely not born into the best circumstances. I was only 21 and I had a whole lot to learn about myself, about life although at the time, I thought I had it all figured out.

She saved me and I saved her. I have no doubt that our Souls already knew and loved each other and that we made promises to each other. I know she has a very strong spirit. She would have to have gone through all the things that we went through together and all the things she suffered because of my immature parenting and my own self-centred-ness to be the person she is today. It is a credit to her own perseverance; to her own strength of character; to her own soul.

Sometimes she looks at me with those deep brown eyes in such a way and it pierces me to the depths of my soul and I know her - more than just as her mother in the way that mothers and daughters know each other. I KNOW her from more than this lifetime. And I love her so much - bigger than my heart can hold. In that moment I am as overwhelmed with love for her as I was when I first met her.

I thinks she is amazing - beautiful, smart, funny, intelligent and determined. And on this day 23 years ago, I was blessed with being her mother. And for that, I will always be grateful.

And Now Moving On

Did you realize that this is my 500th post? Yup. 500 posts since July 2005 when I joined my blogging sisters as a way to keep in touch. I love how it has kept us sisters connected in some way to each other's lives even though some of us are so far away. And of course, these days, a few people besides my sisters read my blog. I was planning on having something to give away in a draw to those who leave comments but.... well... I'm still working on Bethany's wedding present and she got married March 7, 2008... So... Maybe by my 555th or something, I might have something to give away.

But anyways, it has about killed me to leave up that tragically sad post. So time to change the subject because I can only handle feeling sad for short periods of time.

And I do have good news. This last weekend Eryn and Tyler took the leap and moved into a wee 4 bedroom house in the BX together. I helped Eryn clean Tyler's old apartment (in return, he moved all the stuff). I got to see their new place which is very nice. Except for no oven. Isn't that weird? a 4 bedroom place with no oven? But they are working on remedying that situation. Eryn can't be without an oven. How else can she make all those great cakes? I guess he could make them at my house....

And I am very happy about it. Tyler has just fit seamlessly into our family - like a missing piece we didn't know we were missing. I knew that on Easter when he and Eryn arrived for the Easter basket/egg hunt and for Easter dinner. Within a short amount of time, he had the bickering sibs laughing uproariously and playing Uno - united at trying to beat him. It went on for hours.

He has a great knack for smoothing waters and creating fun. And he adores my daughter and treats her well. I don't think I have ever seen her quite so happy. I am sure it has something to do with his goofy sense of humour. We joke about how they are both so tattooed that it has become genetic and when they have children, they will be born with tattoos in weird combinations. You never know how they will come out - a Squid riding a bicycle....

Lately he has been into ugly pictures.

Doesn't he look like Kirk Douglas playing Spur in Man from Snowy River?


There was something I liked about Tyler as I got to know him. There is a solid-ness about him - a down-to-earth-ness that balances my mercurial girl - too much like her mother for her own good! And he loves her. You can see that.

And he can take being teased and is a great teaser himself. What more could a mother ask for?



I'll finish off with the ponytailed beard picture.

And then there were 5

We are one less cat (pic of Erin's cat, Saetia, courtesy of Andrew) and one less person around here. Erin has been home since last November and just moved out last night into a cute little apartment with a friend. It has been such a pleasure to enjoy this next phase in our relationship. I must say, I think she is an amazing person and I feel so blessed to have her as a daughter.

What can I say? I knew when she came back that it wouldn't be for very long. I know how fleeting this is when your children live under your roof - over way too fast - so I was happy to take every minute I could squeeze with all 4 of my children in one place. I recognize it for the golden moment that it is.

It just feels a little quieter and little emptier around here.... At least she is still in Vernon. I have a feeling I will be seeing her when her laundry bag is full... or she's out of cat litter or canned tomatoes....

Happiness 2

Things have been pretty creative around here lately. Here is another scene that makes me happy. Two of my girls busy creating in 'my studio'. It has been a happy productive place!

22 Years of Motherhood

Today is my celebration as much as it is hers. Twenty-two years ago she emerged to make me a mother - my much yearned for and much dreamed about daughter.

She came home from Calgary for her birthday. When I complained that she was leaving too little time for me and spending it all with her friends, she granted me the privilege of making dinner for her and all her friends. It was supposed to be 6 friends but somehow there ended up to be about 15 or so. Good thing I made 2 huge lasagnes. No left overs. And every plate and bowl I own is now dirty.

They have just left and I am exhausted in a happy way. It was such a pleasure to have so many of her friends here and listen to them joke and laugh and see the distance between my daughter and I get smaller and smaller as she becomes more of an adult. This year we pass the half way point. She is now more than half my age. My house was full of their young confident energy.

Of course, I make them all watch videos of her talking and singing at age 4. She was so cute! And I watch her at her party, my incredibly beautiful daughter. Happy. Sparkling. Nothing could be a greater gift to me.

For Half My Life

21 years ago at this time I was in a drugged sleep because of the demerol I didn't want or need but got anyways. 21 years ago I had just given birth an hour and a half before. 21 years ago my journey into motherhood began. And now I have been a mother for half of my life. My beautiful, talented, creative, interesting daughter. I am so grateful to our journey together. She hates it when I write these mushy things. Or so she says. I don't know. Somewhere, deep down, I think she loves it. She loves to hear how much her mother loves her. How could I not? Isn't she adorable?

News

Well, there has been a lot going on this week - some rather big things happening in my little life.

1. Erin is home. She arrived home on yesterday morning from Montreal. She is here to stay for awhile. And when I say home, I don't mean in our house, but in Vernon - back at her old apartment. The whole Montreal thing was too much for her, too far away, too much pressure, too many things to sort out all on her own. So she decided to give that up for now and come home, recuperate, save some money and go to Vancouver. I don't know if she is going to persue fashion design there or not. Anyways, it is good to have my girl home.

2. My brother Layne is living with us now. He arrived from Calgary late Wednesday night and already has 3 job interviews for today and tomorrow. Its good to have him here, if not a little crowded. Right now he is sleeping in the living room and slowly we are getting things organized and finding space for his stuff. Erin also brought more stuff to put in the basement (how did that work? I thought she would be TAKING some of her stuff OUT...). I'm starting to feel like our house is bulging at the seams... But it is a blast having Layne here. He and Dean get along so well and he is so tidy, it is great to have another adult around to drive kids places, wash the dishes, (he cleaned under all my appliances, even... and scrubbed the stove...) and just to have my brother close and to talk and share our lives. I love that. (any more of you want to move the Okanagan? hehe)

It is a little threatening to have someone living in your house. It is immediately different from a visit. When it is a visit, I pull out the stops, clean the house, make special food and devote all my time to the visit - put everything else on hold. But this is the real deal - what most people don't see. Kaetlyn and Dean fighting, laundry undone, the kitchen messy and life.... just life... the way my life is most of the time. Well, my brother is still here so I guess it can't be that bad.... but I feel vulnerable...good thing he is such a great brother!

Some of the Best Years of My Life

Some of the best years of my adult life were in my 20's when Erin and I lived alone together. Norm (her dad) left for good when she was 18 months old. We lived in Richmond in the same housing co-op for another year. (I was president of the board... seems like another lifetime ago when I was an egomaniac...) Then we moved to Sidney and I went to UVic to finish my degree.

Our life together flowed so well. She went to an amazing daycare - Discovery House when it very first opened. (Now it is still a daycare but it is also a private primary school - all built in two heritage homes near the ocean.) I went to university. I studied while she played in the park. We went for walks down to the ocean which was 5 minutes from our duplex. We had a big yard and great neighbours. It was just easy being together. She was such a great kid. We lived in such a beautiful spot and we were happy. Life was pretty simple then and I have always looked back on those times as some of the best in my life.

And she is a big part of it. I was contented and settled being her mom. And she was happy, too. Of course we still had our challenges and our unhappy times but mostly I remember this time as being easy, as flowing naturally.

Here we are in Victoria. This is one of those silly pictures that Laura liked to take at the time. I think she insisted that I stick my finger like that so it looked like I was picking my nose. Those are the parliament buildings in the back ground. What I love most about this picture is Erin cuddled up to the back of my head...

And here she is dressed up for Halloween. She made that hat herself.... Doesn't she look fun to live with?

The Process

Well, this last few days have really confirmed to me again how important it is just to acknowledge our feelings without judgement and sometimes without even understanding. I believe it was Scott M. Peck in his book "The Road Less Travelled" who said that neurosis is the avoidance of legitimate suffering" - basically denial.

Before I realized and acknowledged what I was feeling, I was heavy with feeling 'blah'; unable to get excited about anything; procrastinating important things; restless, bored and tired. Once I finally faced my grief and fear, it felt like a backpack full of rocks had been lifted off my back. Once I allowed myself to be sad, I could once again be joyful and happy and passionate about my life again. When we repress uncomfortable feelings, we also repress all the 'good' ones, too. Once I allowed myself to be sad about Erin going, I learned a lot about myself. Most of my emotion was really about myself - about my own feelings about my relationship (or lack of relationship) with my own mother in my 20's. Once I allowed myself to really feel my feelings, sit with them, acknowledge them, talk about them, I could aslo genuinely feel happy for her and so very proud of her and more at ease about her going.

And I am amazed again at this experience of being human that drives us towards integrity. I am in awe again that it is really true, "feelings aren't good or bad, they just are".

My Constant Companion

I must be feeling better. I was awakened at 3:30am by fighting cats. (Damn! Why didn't I remember to put Tigger in the basement last night...) There is this male black cat who likes to fight with Tigger. I think he is ferral as no one seems to own him. He apparantly likes our yard and Tigger has to constantly establish his territory. And Tigger as never been a pushover... Anyways, after awaking so early, I tried to go back to sleep for about 2 hours and I might have dozed off for a bit. Finally I gave up and got up. I am full of energy. And as I sat here at the computer, I noticed how dirty the window was so I got out the equipment and washed it inside and out. Now it is beautiful. That is something that I haven't found the energy for lately - living in the moment because I have been too strangled by the depth of feeling in my moments. Lately I have been stymied. Something has shifted. I am still sad but at least I don't want to sleep all the time. So thank you all to listening. It helps! And thank you Katie and Mary Sue for your kind words.

Here is one of my favourite pictures of Erin and I. (see, I really did once have brown hair. I was never blonde...) I have realized that behind my pain, is fear. It is expressed beautifully here in Maristar's blog - http://maristar.blogspot.com/2006/04/how-well-do-you-really-know-your.html

How well do you really know your mother... or your daughter for that matter. I know that Erin is growing and individuating just as she needs to do. I know she needs privacy and a space of her own to be herself beyond my influence. Here she is on October 18, 1987, her first birthday taking her first steps. Walking away from me. Finding her own strength.

I know that all of this is good. But my fear is that I will not know her and that she will not know me. I don't think I know my own mother very well. Maybe I am getting some insight into her as I grow and mature and learn about myself. And I certainly feel that she does not know me. I know she loves me, that is not it. I just think that she doesn't know me, doesn't understand me. And we have never been close. Not since I left home. It terrifies me to think that all the closeness I am going to have with Erin is over. She is my daughter, heart of my heart. I want to know her and be known by her.



There was a time when she wanted this, too! (and I know she still wants it - just in a different way...) She is reaching for me in this picture as I capture her look with the camera. Once she was my constant companion. I was only 21 when I had her and about as mature as any 21 year old ever is. I think I was a bit of a selfish mother. I wasn't as baby-centred as I was with later children. I took her with me everywhere. We were seldom parted. I wish I had heard of a 'sling' back then. She practically grew out of my hip. I loved having her with me. I do wish that I could have thought more about her needs than my own...

More about Erin tomorrow or the day after that...

More about my Breaking Heart

Here is a pastel drawing of my heart yesterday. I feel so much better after writing about how I was feeling - after realizing how I was feeling about her leaving. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. Wandering around my house, not feeling like doing anything at all, restless and tired. Tired even when I got 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep. There is some deep, primitive part of myself who really would just like to go to sleep and completely ignore that my daughter is moving 1000's of miles away. The pain of her leaving is just too great.

I have these weird thoughts. Like when I held my daughters in my arms at their birth, I was always overwhelmed at the thought that all the little ovum that would become their children were already inside them. It is like standing in the river of life - generations gone before and generations yet to come - like looking in two mirrors when you can see forever. In this way, I have thought of my children as always being with me. If one of them asks, was I there, then - asking about some memory I am sharing. If they weren't born yet, I will say, "yes, but you were just a little egg in my ovary". And Erin was in my heart for a long time before she was even growing within me. I dreamed of being a mother. I planned. I looked forward. I took parenting classes at University while I was still single. I dreamed of her. It has been far more than only 20 years that she has lived in my heart.

Here she is in the hospital in the arms of her older sister (I hate the term 1/2 sister - how can one be 1/2 a sister? They love each other. They are sisters. But Sarah has a different mother...) Sarah was so excited to have a little sister and she loved her instantly. This is one of my favourite pictures.
















Once she was so small she could fit on a little cushion for the arm rest of the couch. This was her Dad's couch and he took it with him when he moved out. But a friend who was moving a couple of years ago, offered me an old couch - almost exactly the same as this one (it has yellow and gold stripes). I took it and gave it to Erin because of this picture.







Here she is at 3 months old, hanging in the jolly jumper. She never did jump in that thing but she learned to swing herself... She liked to hang there and watch me in the kitchen. She was my constant companion and needed to be with me all the time.

I have always said that Erin has a very brave soul. By entering my life, she saved me and then I, in turn, saved her. At that time, I did not care enough about myself to get out of the abusive situation I was in. But I cared enough for her to leave. I could not bear for her to grow up to feel about me the way I felt about my mother. And I could not bear for her to have the idea she would have had if I had stayed, of what being a wife and mother is. I wanted better than that for her. And so I got out. She was a huge catalyst on my healing path. Our life together has not been easy. We have been through some pretty tough times together and I will always wish that I could have given her an easier childhood. She gave me a great gift by being born at that difficult and unhappy time. I will always be grateful.

Get set to hear lots about Erin. Its what I need to do!

Hurting Heart

I have been in a funk. It has been mystifying to me. And it has been a big funk - akin to the funk when I first left Erin's dad and I only wanted to sleep all the time. There is this big, unavoidable thing happening in my life and I can't stop it - shouldn't stop it, anyways. Erin is moving to Montreal to attend LaSalle's Fashion Design program. It is only weeks away now. That's so far away it is doubtful she will be home for Christmas or even next summer. My baby. My piece of my heart. I hate to think of life going on - my life and her life - going on so far apart. Some part of me cries, "what if I never see her again? What if something happens to her? How would I find out?"

She's excited and scared as she should be. And she has it all worked out. A month from now she will be living in Montreal. They are leaving August 9th. Everything piled into her car. I can scarcely bare it. Of course it is inevitable as soon as they start to grow within us - one day they will leave. It was hard enough when she moved to her own apartment but to think of her across the country, weighs on me like a lead heart. Of course I am happy for her, excited for her and so proud of her for making her dreams come true. But for me.... to think of her not being embedded in the context of my life....

Dean would say that I am being dramatic. I will be able to phone her whenever I want, right? We'll e-mail.... But still she will be on the other side of the continent. She won't be dropping by to bug me by doing her laundry after 10pm at night. She won't be here for supper every now and then. She won't be critisizing my clothing. She'll be gone.

And it all swims before me. Her birth, her babyhood. Her at 2, riding a tricycle, getting on the bus to go to kindergarten (while I drove to meet her at the other end), homeschooling hours spent together. Her amazing mind. Her incredible voice. She always sang - she used to sing herself to sleep in her crib. Then I remember when she found her power in her voice. Her talented, creative ways. My wonderful, beautiful daughter. All those moments I swore to myself to never forget - I see them. The way she used to say 'conchterble' for comfortable and the way I would get her to cheer for me when I got good grades at UVic. The way she wouldn't let me put her down when she was a baby and I learned how to vacuum with the snugli or the back pack on. Back and forth my memory goes through our life together. It is every mother's pain, this pain. Of course I brought her into this world to grow to be her own person. This is a tearing of my soul as surely as her birth was a trauma to my body. And not a trauma I would stop but I grieve. Beyond words. How do you say that? I want her to grow up and be her own person but I am so sad that she is? Of course I would be more worried if she wasn't.