Friday, July 21, 2006

My Constant Companion

I must be feeling better. I was awakened at 3:30am by fighting cats. (Damn! Why didn't I remember to put Tigger in the basement last night...) There is this male black cat who likes to fight with Tigger. I think he is ferral as no one seems to own him. He apparantly likes our yard and Tigger has to constantly establish his territory. And Tigger as never been a pushover... Anyways, after awaking so early, I tried to go back to sleep for about 2 hours and I might have dozed off for a bit. Finally I gave up and got up. I am full of energy. And as I sat here at the computer, I noticed how dirty the window was so I got out the equipment and washed it inside and out. Now it is beautiful. That is something that I haven't found the energy for lately - living in the moment because I have been too strangled by the depth of feeling in my moments. Lately I have been stymied. Something has shifted. I am still sad but at least I don't want to sleep all the time. So thank you all to listening. It helps! And thank you Katie and Mary Sue for your kind words.

Here is one of my favourite pictures of Erin and I. (see, I really did once have brown hair. I was never blonde...) I have realized that behind my pain, is fear. It is expressed beautifully here in Maristar's blog -

How well do you really know your mother... or your daughter for that matter. I know that Erin is growing and individuating just as she needs to do. I know she needs privacy and a space of her own to be herself beyond my influence. Here she is on October 18, 1987, her first birthday taking her first steps. Walking away from me. Finding her own strength.

I know that all of this is good. But my fear is that I will not know her and that she will not know me. I don't think I know my own mother very well. Maybe I am getting some insight into her as I grow and mature and learn about myself. And I certainly feel that she does not know me. I know she loves me, that is not it. I just think that she doesn't know me, doesn't understand me. And we have never been close. Not since I left home. It terrifies me to think that all the closeness I am going to have with Erin is over. She is my daughter, heart of my heart. I want to know her and be known by her.

There was a time when she wanted this, too! (and I know she still wants it - just in a different way...) She is reaching for me in this picture as I capture her look with the camera. Once she was my constant companion. I was only 21 when I had her and about as mature as any 21 year old ever is. I think I was a bit of a selfish mother. I wasn't as baby-centred as I was with later children. I took her with me everywhere. We were seldom parted. I wish I had heard of a 'sling' back then. She practically grew out of my hip. I loved having her with me. I do wish that I could have thought more about her needs than my own...

More about Erin tomorrow or the day after that...

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