Sunday, September 16, 2007

Uncharted Territory

The last couple of days we have been celebrating Rhiannon's 7th birthday. This milestone of hers also marks the edge of uncharted territory for me. When Andrew turned 7, Rhiannon was 2 months old. When my mom's youngest turned 7, I was already a mother to 2 and expecting my third.

Since the first moment I held Rhiannon in my arms, I knew she was the last. I knew my family was complete and there would be no more moments like this. So Rhiannon's childhood as oftentimes had a bittersweet quality for me. Mostly it has whizzed by.

But last night as we celebrated with family and close friends, I felt the feeling of stepping into unknown territory. As a child, young woman, and young adult, my biggest plans were to be a mother. I had dreams to be a writer and a teacher, too but my young diaries are full of plans for motherhood - how I would raise my children, potential names, how I would be different from my own parents.... And I love being a mother. And truly I know that motherhood is always demanding. Erin still needs me at almost 21. But it is different. Early childhood is engrossing - demanding in a way that takes total attention. And now that is over for me. Not that Rhiannon is all grown up or anything but her demands on me take up a lot less of my time.

Last night, Drew's K'Nex went out the door with an eager new owner. I had a lump in my throat. Drew's growing up seems much more abrupt. Wasn't he building things out of K'Nex just last year? When did it stop? When did it get relegated to the top dusty corner of his closet? Where is my little boy? And where did this young man come from?

Ramblings from a mother whose children are growing up... I suppose there is foreshadowing the moment they are laid on my stomach and the chord is cut. And I know that from that moment on they are growing away from me - that this is the way of the world, the way it is meant to be but it pains my heart just a little because my love for them is so huge, bigger than I ever knew and in a way that no one can describe to you before or prepare you for. And these last couple of days have just reminded me sharply of it. And I find myself on the edge of uncharted territory with no clear vision of how I evolve from here and excited and scared to find out.

1 comment:

katie said...

i know exactly how you feel.