Thursday, January 18, 2007

Reflections on the Radiologists

So I made it to my Dr's appointment (with the Dr filling in for my Dr) and got to read the radiologist's report. So. Apparently there is no change in the hardware in my knee - there were 2 screws poking into my joint before and they are the same. What has changed is that there is some 'lipping' (a kind of bone spur on the edge of the tibial plateau) and some thinning of the meniscus. (What is the meniscus, you ask? Why the meniscus is that spongy tissue that absorbs shock between the femur and the tibia. Isn't that cartilage you ask? No, cartilage is the grisly stuff on the end of your bones - that opaque, rubbery stuff... you can learn more about the meniscus here) The Dr I spoke to really didn't know what could be done about such a problem. She was very cooperative about involving Dr Gross.

And I heard from Dr Gross's office and they have already ordered x-rays (new ones) that will be sent to them. I just have to go in and have them taken. And I feel really good about that and relieved that after my phone campaign all week that someone actually did get back to me and they are going to figure out what is to be done.

In the meantime I went to the health food store to see what supplements to take for a 'thinning' meniscus. No one there knew anything about the meniscus and all the supplements for joints were very expensive and I am not sure what to buy. Anyone got some good advice for a joint supplement? My knee is quite inflamed. And I have been doing my own healing on my knee. And I need to lose weight. Not that I think I am fat. I really am okay just the way I am. I like what I see in the mirror. But I know it would be easier on my knee if I lost 15 lbs. If my knee had to carry around 15 pounds less everyday, it could do a little better at coping. I can stand to lose 15 lbs. I've just been lazy about it and comfortable with how I am. But it is time now. For my knee.

And then I also believe that there are many levels to everything and there is a reason I am having trouble with my knee right now. (and I believe it is only ever a good reason). So it has me thinking. I have been doing a lot of canvassing lately for washing windows and I have been very successful. Of course our window washing business is a great blessing for both Dean and I and we are very grateful for that financial stability that it offers us so that we can both pursue paths more meaningful to us. But it is only a bridge. I think perhaps I have been too caught up in the bridge. I need to focus more on getting across the bridge - to living with what is on the other side of the bridge. I have much more to offer the world than clean windows. Not that clean windows aren't important... and symbolic.... There are things I can do that don't require me to walk from door-to-door. I know that I am a gifted counsellor and teacher. And I have been doing more of those things lately. I need to do more.

So I am opening myself up to seeing how I can do more of those things. And I am going to get more organized. It is true that I have a lot on my plate. I am a home learning mother of 3 children (I know I am the mother of 4 children but Erin is no longer at home so she doesn't count here). And being a mother in this way is really important to me. And Dean and I have the window washing business. And then there is the Inner World School - which involves my counselling. Just one of those things is a lot to do. I know that. And if it wasn't for a very inspirational friend that I have who accomplishes an amazing amount, I might think that there wasn't anything else I could do. But the truth is that there is time that I waste. Actually, a lot of time that I waste. I could do a phenomenal job of any one of those things if I dedicated 8 hours a day to it. I don't have 8 hours a day to dedicate to any ONE of those things. But what if I dedicated 2 hours of absolute attention to each of those things. I think I would get more done than I do now. I think my time is scattered and unfocused a lot of the time. And truly that is my nature. But as I ponder on what deeper things that my knee is telling me, it is that it is time to learn discipline and focus my energy. I accomplish quite a bit with my brief spurts of brilliantly focused energy. What would I accomplish if I was consistent? And of course there has been a part of me that was afraid of my own success. I have revisited that again and again. I've worked on it. And worked on it. It is time to stop dawdling on the bridge. My knee's gift to me has always been to push me further, higher, more into myself - who I truly am and what gifts I have to offer.

And of course, I believe that we were each born to be ourselves - that the greatest gift we have to give the Universe is to be who we truly are. And realizing ourselves is a spiral journey that goes deeper and deeper everytime. I think I have gone deep enough here. It is time to step out onto the other side. "And the burning bush said, walk on your new legs".

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