Um

I hope you all had a wonderful Mother's Day and if your family didn't look after you the way you were hoping that at least you looked after yourself! I had a wonderful Mother's Day planned. As usual (as it has been for the last 6 years, anyways) my Mother's Day was going to start at the ball diamond. This week end was Vernon's Fastball tournament for Kaetlyn's age group. I was hopeful, though, after getting the schedule. They were playing 2 teams they lost to last week and then two really, really good teams from the coast who would probably go undefeated. Which means that her team probably wouldn't go to playoffs and we would be done with the tournament by noon on Sunday. (great attitude, I know - completely self serving...)

I had told my family that I didn't really want gifts. What I wanted was their time - to be all together and I could really use their help in my garden getting the last beds done as the weather heats up and May 24 fast approaches and my window sills are overgrown with plants needing to be planted outside. Then after working in the garden to go to Juniper Bay (my favourite beach) and have a picnic supper. They were all game (except Erin who had to work but she hates working in the garden and hiking.... so I bet she asked for extra shifts... lol!) and I was really looking forward to it.

Saturday morning started perfectly. Kaetlyn was very eager to get to the tournament. She wanted to be at the diamond by 6:30 to warm up for her 8 am game (everyone else would get there around 7). She wanted to be really on for pitching. She was excited. She loves her team and her coaches. She has been saying how this is her best year - great coaching and a great team. And for her, great coaching means fairness and that she is learning a lot. And it is true. I would say it is her best year, too.

I watched the game until 9am when I left to go and coach Rhiannon's t-ball team. Our practise started at 10am but I had to pick up gear and get organized. I rushed home after and got ready to go to Kaetlyn's next game which was at noon and it was now 11:30. I never check messages when I am only home to leave again quickly but I checked the call display. There were several 'unknown name, unknown number' calls. And I knew. I knew in a way that a mother knows. I listened to the last message. It was Erin. Kaetlyn was in emergency. She's broken her ankle.

So I rushed to the hospital with Rhiannon nagging me about speeding... There she was in the ER, with tears running out of the corner of her eyes. And she wasn't crying from pain. She was crying because she let her team down and now she won't be playing ball for the rest of the season. Or umpiring. I asked to see the x-rays and they showed me. Her fibula had a spiral fracture and it was displaced and the bottom of her tibia called the malleolus was broken on the lateral side but not displaced. She needed surgery to set the fibula. They would put a very small plate in for the fibula and a screw in for the malleolus.

So do you realize that 6 years ago, when Mother's Day was on May 13, I broke both my tibial plateaux on a Sunday morning. And here she breaks the other end of her tibia on May 12 - 2 days after she turns 16!

But I digress.... I stayed with her and held her hand. By 1:30 they had her upstairs in a room. By 2pm they discharged her because the OR was so backed up (normal conditions since the wonderful Gordon Campbell government) and they wouldn't have time to get her in - maybe for 3 or 4 days.... So they sent her home with a prescriptions for T3's with her ankle in a splint. But it was several hours of agony that didn't let up. I was by her side constantly with her clutching on to me as it hurt. Nothing could distract her from the pain and the T3's didn't touch it. So we got all ready to go back in. I sponge bathed her and packed things for her to do and she got into he own pj's.

Back at the hospital they were wonderful. The did some fancy footwork and just erased from the computer that she ever left and got her back upstairs in a hurry. Up there it took 2 and a half hours and 3 doses of morphine an hour apart along with some gravol to get her so she wasn't writhing in pain. Her blood pressure started to climb and her blood sugars were all over. So I slept the night on a fold out chair that was actually quite comfortable and tested her blood every 2 hours and watched over her. I think the nurse that night did some insisting because first thing the next morning they got her into surgery.

There were so many miracles throughout this ordeal. Like the nurse on duty the first afternoon she was admitted was a mother of boy in Kaeltyn's class and she has known her since she was 7. And she was her nurse when she was diagnosed with diabetes and spent a week up there, too. When we came back, our nurse was Gobby, my friend Karen's good friend whose daughter is in my dance class. They were so kind to her. Our night nurse, Yolanda, although we didn't know her before, she was so incredibly kind to Kaetlyn and took her pain seriously. Kaetlyn is a really tough kid. Last week end I watched her take a line drive to the shin while pitching and she shook it off and hardly missed a beat. So when she says it hurts, it really hurts! When they wheeled her down to the OR the Dr who met her there who was assisting the surgeon was the father of a girl she has played ball with since she was 10. And the nurse in recovery was also the mom of kids she knew who Kaetlyn has known since she was very young. Everywhere they knew her and cared about her and Kaetlyn felt loved and supported. It was no coincidence, I am sure. And she let herself need me and called me mommy and clung on to me and I held her hand. And when they opened up her ankle they discovered that the malleolus was only cracked - 2 or 3 small cracks but it was not broken off. This is a major weight bearing bone so this was very good news. The surgery went really well - it was better than they had anticipated. I am sure that is because of all the prayers and loving energy sent her way. I think this break is a very symbolic thing. She is breaking with a past of being alone with her diabetes - a past of hating her diabetes - a past of feeling cursed by her diabetes - a past of feeling unloved and disconnected. As I held her through all of this and we clung to each other, I could feel generations of stuff slipping away - generations of the mother/daughter rift from my side of the family and generations of not looking after the body from her dad's side of the family. This morning when I woke up, I awoke thinking that her name is so significant. I named her for my sister Katie (Katherine) who I always saw as being so strong and, unlike me, was able to break away from family patterns to have more of her own life.

And it wasn't such a bad Mother's Day. I sat with Kaetlyn most of the time. She slept peacefully and I knitted and read and wrote in my journal. The room was very quiet, the sun shone through the windows. I made phone calls to update people. And at home my boys cleaned the house. I went and bought some organic, probiotic yogurt and some dried fruit (all those years of avoiding antibiotics and she has had 3 bags of them as the hospital's standard surgery procedure) and went home so Dean could drop me off and keep the van. Rhiannon stayed and played some Uno with Kaetlyn. Dean came back at 7pm and took me home for Mother's Day dinner with an ice cream cake (his favourite). I called and Kaetlyn was doing well and it was okay with her if I slept at home. I went to bed at 8pm. Now it is back to the hospital. They will be releasing her this morning. We'll take a cab home when she is ready while Dean works. And then I am going to be 'on call'. Worse things could happen....

Thank you so much everyone! Your love and support has meant more than you will ever know!

What Nature Provides

So right now I am reading "Living the Good Life"by Linda Cockburn. It is her account of her family living only on what they could grow in their city 1/2 acre lot in Australia for 6 months. And Rhiannon and I are finishing up the Little House books by Laura Ingalls Wilder. I've read "The First Four Years" on my own. And the other thing I am doing is planting and expanding my gardens. All of this has got me thinking. Its all converged in my mind.

From Laura's books, I have been thinking about what Eurpean settlers and governments did to the North American prairies. Laura talks about how quiet and still it is on the prairie as the buffalo have all been slaughtered, the natives been driven off the land (although she says Indians) and wild birds and other wildlife like antelope move on as the settlers move in. And I feel so sad to read about that and I long to have been alive then, to see what the wild west was really like.... And then Laura talks about the natural disasters that come and destroy the settler's crops time and again. Almanzo isn't able to keep his claim and neither is Pa.

And then while reading Linda Cockburn's book and her struggles to grow the food they are accustomed to eating which isn't even close to being native to Australia and she muses about the naturalness of it all.

And all around me, dandelions are blooming. My lawn, my driveway, my fields are yellow with their fuzzy cheerfulness. This place used to be an organic farm. I don't know if it was ever certified but I know they used organic practises. So for the first time, it has been safe to pick dandelions and collect the heads and roots for tea because no herbicides have been used here for a very long time, if ever. A friend of mine and I have been talking about dandelions and collecting them together. And she said something that kind of gelled all these different threads together. She said, "What would it be like if we honoured the dandelion for its healing properties and everyone picked them and used them." (or something like that)

Yes, what would it be like? I mean, the dandelion is completely edible. The flowers, the leaves, the roots. I have long put the leaves into spring salads from the garden. It is a good immune system booster, too. When I am sick, I often make myself ginger/lemon/dandelion blossom tea. But in our society, we spray chemicals on the dandelions and slowly poison our drinking water and our soil through the use of it. Then we go to the store and pay money to buy pills with dandelion in it when we are sick... what is wrong with this picture?

Look at this basket of fluffy yellow flowers. Who says this is a weed? What if we were to eat what nature provided for us? What if we were to cultivate what already grows here? After all aboriginal peoples ate from the land for millennia before we came here. They didn't need lawns or rice or beef.... We try too hard to make things grow where they were never meant to grow and we ignore the good things that grow without effort.


And I don't mean to say that that I don't have tomato seedlings on my window sills along with peppers and cucumbers. Or that I don't have a garden that I cultivate. Or that I won't be picking plums for the 5 acre organic orchard on my property. But I am striving to be more aware of what grows right around me effortlessly and how it can be used. I am thinking about honouring the dandelion.

This tea towel in the middle of my kitchen table, covered in dandelions in various stages of drying, has been there for a week and it will continue to be there until dandelion season is through. I have a large storage jar on my counter filling up with dandelion heads. And I want to dig up some roots and find out how to preserve and use them, too.

So, what do you think? What if we ate what nature provides us with?

Girls Week End in Summerland

This week end Kaetlyn had a fastball tournament in Summerland so her and I and Rhiannon headed down to Penticton for a 'girls week end'.

I suppose this story started a long time ago. When we moved to the Okanagan almost 13 years ago, we figured "when in Rome..." so when you are in the Okanagan, you have to play ball. I signed Erin up to take a softball clinic through the rec centre when she was 8. The next year, we got a registration in the mail from Vernon Minor Fastball and she signed up. Playing fastball was always a challenge for Erin. Although she is very coordinated and naturally athletic, she is extremely hard on herself if she ever screws up on anything the slightest bit. Playing ball was something that she stretched herself to do - outside her comfort zone. That first year that she signed up with VMFA, I noticed that they had a t-ball program for Kaetlyn's age group and signed her up. She played a couple of years of t-ball and took some time off to try soccer. She started again when she was 10 - Squirt division which is when they start to play with regular ball rules, uniforms and against other teams. I got involved in VMFA's board and did registration and organized tournaments.

Kaetlyn loved it. She has played ever since. She has struggled with not-so-great coaches and unfriendly teams but she loves the game and she has persisted. When she was 12 she started umpiring (this is the first game she ever umped). She has excelled at umpiring. The teams love her and she is well respected. It is a great outlet for her innate bossiness and love of order.

This year she is on an awesome team. The best fit she has ever had. The coaches are fair and her natural leadership is valued. The girls on her team look up to her and her coaches appreciate her even attitude - she doesn't 'get down' on herself and she encourages her team mates. Although she is a pitcher and a good one at that (check out this link to Youtube for an example from this week end...) And wow was she on this week end. She was smoking. She has been clocked at throwing a pitch at 48km's an hour and that was a couple of years ago. They were going faster this week end, that is for sure! She was in the groove! It was so fun to watch her.

We stayed with Dean's Aunt and Uncle who live in Penticton, above the water who fussed over us and made great food! And Kaetlyn and I got to spend some great time together and Rhiannon watched some ball. She says she is going to be a pitcher, too... My face is brown and I think I am going to be one of those old ladies whose lipstick runs into the cracks around mouth... my lips have got sun burnt so many times watching my daughters play ball...

Here are some of my favourite photos from this week end. When I watch her, I think what an amazing daughter I have and what a body! Beautiful and strong and... wow! (and why does her mouth look funny? Her mouth guard, of course - to protect those $4000 teeth!) And did we win? Well, no. Not one game but that is besides the point. They were all close and her team played awesomely! They never lost by more than 4 runs and they played some pretty good teams.

Current Total

So our current total for Kaetlyn's insulin pump is $3, 267. We are more than half way there. And I know there is still some money outstanding from the garage sale so our total is probably a little over $3, 300....

And yesterday.... and yesterday.... Mary Sue and I had a meeting with Century 21 about the garage sale scheduled for May 26th in their parking lots downtown. Last year they had one for Mark Gadmer, the local hockey player who was struck with encephalitis last year and was hospitalized in Vancouver for 8 months. They are excited to do one this year for Kaetlyn. Sun FM is going to be on location and Erin has agreed to be on location with them and one of the realtors. Do you know how much money they raised last year? They raised $8,000! So I have 3 phone calls to make. One to the pump company to make sure they have a pump to us by the beginning of June and to arrange method of payment, one to the diabetes clinic to see if there are more families who would like to join us in our fundraising because we should have enough for 2 pumps by the end of the garage sale, and one to the paper to do a story about Kaetlyn and our fundraising.

So if you have any stuff to donate to the garage sale or you know anyone who would like to donate stuff to the garage sale, they can take it to Century 21 from May 16 - 24 between 9am and 1pm. They will have a semi trailer parked near them from Allied van lines to store stuff in. If you can't make it in during those hours, call and they will make arrangements. Also we need about 20 volunteers to set up starting at 6am on the 26 and to take down and get all the left over stuff to second hand stores starting at 2pm (we will have the 2 Century 21 vans to make deliveries with). And of course, people to collect money and sell stuff on the 26th. Lets raise even more than they did last year. I'm aiming for $10,000 myself (and Mary Sue is probably aiming for even higher, she usually is...). That will be enough for 2 complete pumps and some money towards a third.

Coming of Age

Well, today my man-boy was more of a man. I had the brakes done on the van - everything complete - last spring. And when we started hearing that squealing sound in February and took it in because I thought it was the CV joint, our mechanic assured us it was the brakes and as it was much too soon to be having that problem, it must just be a defect in putting the squealers in at the factory. If it was too annoying, bring it in and he would grind them down.... But we were busy and we could put up with a little noise after all. And then it started making other sounds... and then my foot started vibrating when I applied the brakes and I began to think that it might be a little more serious than we imagined at first.

Sure enough, when we took it in to Dave again, the brake on the drivers side was down to the rotor. There had been a defect with the calliper and it had got stuck and worn down the brake pads prematurely... This is the garage where Andrew has been doing a mentorship for the last year - going in for 2 days a week to help and observe and learn and it has been awesome and perfect for him! Well, Dave was completely booked until Thursday but clearly we couldn't drive it any more and it is our only vehicle. So he said that Andrew could come in and do the brakes and he would supervise.

So today, my son did my brakes. And they are perfect. Most of the parts were covered by warranty - we only had to buy a rotor. So the whole thing only cost me $50 and a peanut butter mocha from Midian.

All these years of clothing and feeding him are finally paying off....

And seriously, I see the pride in my son's face at what he is able to contribute to our family. No one else in our family can do this kind of thing. This was not a 'make work' project designed to 'teach' him something. He did something that was necessary - that was vitally important. And he knows it. He has just experienced being needed - of being an integral part of our family in a very real way. This is something too many teens are lacking. This is not something that he could have experienced in school the way schools operate right now. Too many teens today feel superfluous and our education system fails them. We spend so much time trying to stuff information into kids' heads and forcing them to retain it and regurgitate it. Yet psychological studies show that what determines your success and happiness in life is not how much you know but how you feel about yourself. He might not yet know his times tables but ask my son how he feels about himself today... He can learn whatever he wants when he is ready to and he knows it.

Garage Sale Success

Well, yesterday was our garage sale for Kaetlyn's insulin pump and we had many miracles. I sit here at the computer looking out at the grey and misty day. This was the weather forcast for yesterday. But from yesterday I have a sunburn on my nose and a reddish v on my chest... It was sunny and beautiful with nary a cloud the entire day!

So many people worked to make yesterday happen. Thank you to Lynn for having it at her house on East Hill and thank you to Monique and Mary Sue who made it all possible and thank you to Jill and Julie and Angela and Dean's parents and Brent's parents and to Annette and both the Karens and everyone! So many of my friends who know me and know Kaetlyn... and strangers who have never met either of us.... And all the people who came and bought things, shared stories about their own diabetes or loved ones who have it and people who paid $5 for a stuffy (we weren't asking that much...) because they wanted to contribute. And it was a huge success. We are well over half way now. We made more than $1,200! Suddenly her pump feels within our grasp! And my heart is full to over flowing with gratitude for the love and support shown to my daughter!

What I Remember

It is interesting what we remember, isn't it? I was thinking about this, amongst other things, as I sat in a community meeting about eating locally (where were you, Monique?). Looking around the room, I saw several people I knew from my almost 13 years in Vernon. I saw one woman farther down the row who I remember but who does not remember me. For me, she is unforgettable.

I met her when I was in the hospital with an 8 month old baby having just broken both my legs. It was a shocking situation for me to be in. I was stunned by the fact that days before I had been running and jumping and now I couldn't even get up. She was one of my nurses. She had been my nurse for several days. Her manner was brusque and bossy and she annoyed me. She seemed insensitive.

A young physiotherapist had been assigned to help me figure out how to manoeuver myself with my arms now that I couldn't use my legs. When you break your knees, you don't even get a cast, so I could absolutely only put weight on my arms. Anyone who knows me, knows that the nickname 'small arms' aptly applies to my upper body strength. I was now supposed to lift myself up by my arms to transport myself from bed to commode or bed to wheelchair. This was my second session and it was not going well. The physio was busy talking to another physio. They had both recently had babies and were gabbing about their children as she absentmindedly told me what to do. I was flustered and desperately trying to do what she said and failing because I was too weak but she barely noticed me and was awkwardly shoving and manipulating me as I got more and more discouraged. She left and for the first time since the accident, I was in tears. I couldn't see how I was ever going to be able to go home, how I would be able to manage myself at all. I sat there behind the curtain with tears of impotence running down my face. And my nurse saw. And she understood. And she helped me. She told me I was going to be able to do it. She got another physio who was much better at teaching me how to lever myself so I could move around. And I began to see that I would be able to do it.

Her kindness and compassion when she saw my vulnerability is something I will never forget. In the 6 years since then, I have seen her around town maybe 5 or 6 times and she doesn't remember me any more but I will never forget her. Every time I see her face, I remember her kindness to me when I so desperately needed it. Every time I see her, I am filled with gratitude and love for her and I hope that she feels it coming through the air.... (and yes, I have told her in person, the first time I met her after I was out of the hospital, she was embarrassed to be so thanked and flustered but I could tell that it meant something to her, too, to be acknowledged like that)

And it just got me to thinking. I am sure I couldn't spot that physio who so carelessly worked on me without seeing me. Within months she was out of my mind and my memory. But I will never forget that nurse.

Born Again Suzuki

So, I just had an awe inspiring moment in Rhiannon's Friday violin lesson. Now that the festivals are over, she is eager to move on to the next pieces in her book. And the next piece for her is Perpetual Motion. So her teacher was patiently showing her the beginning of the song and said, "Now, do you think you can copy me?" and Rhiannon says, "I can play it, watch, " and before the teacher could show her anything, she played the first half of the song. Her teacher and I are sitting there a little stunned and she says, "and I can play the rest, too" and she finishes it. Of course there is a lot of polishing to be done but she had never played that song before. Ever. She had only listened to it a couple hundred times. She didn't read the music, she just played it.

I am so grateful that we have found these Suzuki lessons - because it could have been anything. I knew nothing about different methods when I started looking for violin lessons. What I am grateful for is that it is based on how the brain works and how we actually learn. We learn to talk by hearing those around us. We learn to play music by listening. In fact, learning music at a young age has the same effect on the brain as being bilingual. (in my psycholinguistics course, I did a 20,000 word research paper on the effects of bilingualism on the brain)

I have been thinking about this a lot lately - the way the brain works and how we learn. We have been inculcated by the school system for several generations now. We have come to think that learning happens in school as we memorize and regurgitate. Often when skeptics talk about 'unschooling' they say, "yes, but who would voluntarily learn grammar or...." Because we have experienced that learning these things is deadly boring and dull. And we have totally bought into that learning it the way they teach it in school is the only way to do it. These methods sprung from a society that was largely illiterate and those who could read, often couldn't afford to own very many books if any at all. Times have changed. Our society is literate and we have easy access to all kinds of books.

But I have watched this miracle who is my youngest daughter - my only child who has never been to school - and she has astounded even me. Her voracious reading has led to voracious writing. And during her reading, she has come to me and said, "what is that little thing?" "That's a comma," I reply. "What is it for?" and so on. And then punctuation has begun to appear in her writing. Recently while Dean was in Nashville, she sent him an e-mail that was almost perfectly punctuated with hardly a spelling error. What? No spelling lists to memorize? No spelling tests? No grammar lessons?

No. Because that is not how we actually learn to spell and punctuate. We learn those things by reading. I learned that getting a minor in linguistics. Yet the school system clings to its ancient methods and we (as a society) buy into it and we fear that our kids wouldn't learn otherwise even though that is not how we learn. I know when I did grammar tests in school, I never memorized any rules, I simply tried to figure out what felt right or what sounded right to me (after sitting through mind numbing lectures on grammar and punctuation). I hardly ever got one wrong because I already knew the grammar. I learned it from reading....

Rhiannon is a constant unfolding of understanding in me of how we do actually learn. And as I understand it more, I see how far off the mark, traditional methods are. How much time is wasted in school, persisting in methods that research has long proved faulty. How much of their (students) lives is wasted away in classrooms when they could be living! And I yearn to make a difference...

Garage Sale

So it is set. The first garage sale to raise money for Kaetlyn's insulin pump will be Saturday, April 28 from 8am - 3pm or so at Lynn's house which is 3001 - 22 St. That is on East Hill at the top of suicide hill. Thank you so much Lynn for allowing us to do it there. There will also be hot dogs and drinks for sale cooked on Lynn's BBQ. So what can you do? Got some stuff you would like to donate? Want to help sell things? Got a table we can use? Want to help clean and price things? E-mail me agordon-smith at shaw dot ca. Or call me 503-5416. And thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone for all their help and support and encouragement. You will never know how much it means to me to receive it for myself and to see my daughter held in the hands of her community. Your love and kindness goes a long ways in healing.

Pondering

I have the good fortune of having many amazing friends who inspire me and encourage me. Lately the work of one of my very dear friends has really been making me ponder. For the website for the Inner World School (our on-line division) she has developed some lessons. Anyone can download lesson 1 for free and if you are a member of the Inner World School, you can receive all the lessons (one every month) at no cost (other than membership). All the money for these lessons goes to support the Inner World School.

And they are amazing. My friend, Bozenka often amazes me but these lessons are absolutely brilliant. I loved lesson 1 and I am blown away by lesson 2. It took me maybe 10 days to print out the lesson after I received it but once I started reading it, I couldn't put it down. And the ideas have been simmering in my brain ever since. I have been pondering - her words sinking down into the depths of my shadows. Finally some things make sense to me that I have struggled with for so long. Finally I understand some of my patterns. You've got to check it out! You can find lesson one by going to www.quadquadium.ca and following the link to the lessons.

So what is lesson 2 about? It is about how we become wounded and about how and why we wound others in turn. Brilliantly in a way that makes me feel like I have always known it, Bozenka explains how this happens. For me, this has been one of the hardest things for me to see about myself - to see how I have wounded others - especially my children whom I love beyond any love I have ever experienced. And yet, despite my knowledge and my training, I have still hurt them in some ways. Realizing this and seeing it surely has been agony. And in lesson 2 there is so much hope - a way of looking at things and tools that takes away judgement and offers real healing.

I am so grateful to have Bozenka in my life!

Quality Family Time

Bribed with a pan of cinnamon buns from Friesens and the promise of DQ afterwards, my gang agreed to help me out with all the gardening around here. It was so much fun working together and boy did we get a lot done. Its amazing how much quicker it goes with 8 hands instead of two... Kaetlyn really got into raking!





Rhiannon planted some tulip bulbs and helped to water everything...







Mr Muscles/Fixit fixed up this bigger wheelbarrow and brought us loads of dirt. This flower bed is now resuscitated and ready to be replanted.









And of course it wouldn't have been complete without a leap into the huge pile of leaves....

My kind of quality family time.... 3 hours of yard work....

At Home Day

I always think that when Dean is gone that things will slow down - no window washing going on, I have the van at my disposal - no fancy arrangements to be made for transportation.... but it never is slower. I have the van at my disposal and suddenly, my backlogged list of things to do when I have the van.... And in my efforts to reduce my own emissions, I try to make only one trip and get as much done as possible. So that has meant Rhiannon and I have been gone for big parts of the day. I've got a lot accomplished.... It has been really busy. This picture of my dance class of whirling dervishes best captures the feel of our week. We've done a lot of fun things but it has been a bit of a whirl! (my class was so full of energy yesterday afternoon that most of my pics look like this and I invented a new dance exercise. You lay on your back on the floor and dance with your arms and legs.... necessity is the mother of invention after all)


By Friday, we are both a little worn out. My social butterfly was begging for an 'at home' day despite an invitation to join other homeschoolers on a bike ride and her regularly scheduled violin lesson. So home we have stayed (well, almost). Rhiannon has laid on the couch for most of the morning watching some new movies from the library and her grandparents. (she loves Watership Down) I don't usually allow so much tv time but it seemed to be in order this 'relax' day.

For myself, I have carved a little space for myself in the 'homeschooling room' which has mostly been the 'unused' room since we moved in just over a year ago now.... It was has housed all the boxes that were waiting for their place in our new home and then it just became a dumping ground for things that had no other place to go. So finally this week, amidst all that whirl, I cleared the table enough to have a space for journalling and sitting and doing my own paper work. I have loved sitting there and writing and contemplating and planning. Hopefully by this weekend I will empty that box on my table and I'll have even MORE space...

So after that nice, contemplative beginning to my day and a bit of socializing and philosophizing at Friesens about homeschooling, I set to work on my gardens. Of course our 'at home' day is the day of worst weather - chilly and overcast after all the sunshine of the past few days when we were flying around.... I have been working on a flower bed long neglected by previous tenants and overgrown with weeds and crab grass. My new philosophy in gardening is ease. So instead of fighting those weeds, I have been 'working with' them. I didn't even attempt to pull them up... I just put a layer of newspaper and a layer of fall leaves and then a new layer of top soil. I have transplanted some plants from my friend's garden and today I discovered this... Remember that beautiful peony that I photographed for Laura? Here it is through the newspaper and leaves and new topsoil.... Just for you, Laura! Although that peony's persistence has inspired me to use a much thicker layer of newspaper in the rest of the bed... cardboard even...

West Jet flight 85

I just got the phone call from Nashville. Dean made it there... After all of that driving and staying up all night and tiredness, his passport never came. In fact the passport website doesn't even show it as being received by them (but mine does....) And we have not been able to get through to the passport office by phone. If it is ever not busy, the automated thing says that there are too many people on hold and call back later.... yah, right!

So his trip to Nashville, took some arranging... After 4 hours on the internet on various sites, Ronni and I worked out a pretty good alternative plan. He flew from Kelowna to Vancouver and then took a shuttle that went directly from the Vancouver (Richmond... it always gets called the vancouver airport but as a former richmondite, I have to point out that it actually is in Richmond...) airport to the Seatac airport where he took a flight on US Airways to Nashville Tennessee. He was so anxious going, worrying about all the things that could go wrong.... He is a fussy traveller anyways and easily gets overwhelmed. He left at 1:45 yesterday afternoon and he got to Nashville at 8:24 this morning (6:24 our time). He just called me moments ago and now I can relax. I sent him calming vibes every time I thought of him.

He is excited to be there and finish the recording started here. And to be somewhere like that - where so much music is made, and close to Elvis' home and a Gibson guitar factory. I am happy for him and excited for him.

I've said good bye to him many times as he leaves on the road. Usually for gigging and he has gone on 2 week tours and 1 week tours but mostly he goes for the weekend. It is a normal pattern for us and I hardly think about it. Sure I miss him when he is gone for more than a weekend and sometimes I wish he was here to do some weekend stuff with more often. But this is different. This was more than saying good bye to him for the 6 days he will be gone (home on Monday). While they are finishing their recording with this well respected and talented producer, he has also set up meetings with some industry people - like the guys that promoted the Dave Mathews Band for example. The fact is that for Dean to fulfill his Dream and get the acknowledgement and recognition that he deserves, there will be a time when I see very little of him because he will be gone a lot. I know that his dreams always include me and our family, I have no doubt about that, he often talks about how all of our lives will be and I know what it would mean to him to have that kind of success and to be able to provide so well for us doing what he really loves and is so good at. But it is bittersweet for me. I miss him already.

Easter Sunday

We had a wonderful Easter. My friend, Ronni and her daughter came on their spring break from Calgary and stayed for Easter. While it was snowing and -12 in Calgary, we were getting too hot at Kaetlyn's bake sale. It is always so wonderful when Ronni comes and always so hard to let her go. Everything just seems easier with an extra set of hands that don't need to be told what to do in the kitchen and someone to visit with.

Having another young one here helped to put some of that kid energy into our Easter hunt.... here they are:
Searching for baskets....











finding them













Trying to look like you are too cool for Easter....






And just plain enjoying treats!

Last Sunday

This week I was having some computer issues. I don't know what it was but my pictures wouldn't download from Rhiannon's camera. Luckily yesterday it suddenly started working again.... I have no idea why.... And all week, this post was frustrated and I couldn't post anything else because I kept trying to download the pictures so I could blog this.....

So here it is. Another Sunday in Kal Lake Park. This time with my TWO favourite hikers! Rhiannon wanted to take her bike along which we left at the top of the switch backs like we did with Andrew's bike when he was that age.

It was a gorgeous day and Kal Lake has got to be one of the most beautiful lakes ever. I never tire of gazing at it.








Father and daughter with their facination with water no matter how cold it is (but Rhiannon didn't bring or wear her bathing suit this time...)









Here he is, the man of my dreams, the love of my life....














And I love this picture. I always say you can often tell a homeschooling child by how they are dressed. No one has told her that you don't mix all those floral patterns.... I love it!

Bake Sale Report

Well, Kaetlyn's bake sale happened yesterday and it went pretty well. Her friends and mine made lots of goodies to sell and they sold most of them and got lots of donations. They made about $200 in 4 hours. Rhiannon really wanted to help out her sister. So she brought along her violin and opened her case and did some busking. In less than 2 hours she made $150 for Kaetlyn. She was so proud of herself that she was able to do that for her sister. She did have a bit of a problem, looking rather warily at strange donaters (they weren't really strange - just strange to her...).... kind of glaring.... So we appointed Megan as her manager who stood near and said thank you and explained that she was raising money for her big sister's insulin pump and Rhiannon just had to play violin which she did very well.... Its kind of funny, I can't get her to play that much in her practises....

We did all this in front of Safeway. The staff at Safeway were truly wonderful - did everything they could to help and came and bought some baking and put money in Rhiannon's violin case. I'm thinking another day of busking with some friends in conjunction with selling some children's art might be a great way to raise some more money for Kaetlyn.....

SO THAT BRINGS OUR TOTAL TO......$1,910.00!!!!! THANK YOU EVERYONE! $4,090.00 to go. We're 1/3 of the way there!

And I will repeat the information for ordering this card....

And to start off the fund raising, our good friend, Bozenka has donated all profits from this art card to Kaetlyn's fund. This card is made from a painting that Bozenka painted for Kaetlyn 4 years ago. She sells it with her other art cards (www.art-touches-heart.com). This one is the diabetes fairy.

There is an option when you are ordering to include shipping or not. If you live in Vernon, don't include shipping. The cards are printed here in Vernon and I can ship them to you within 3 days of ordering.


The card is available in the following sizes:

Small - 4 3/8" x 2 3/4" $2.50

Medium - 5 1/2" x 4 1/4" $4.5o

Large - 8 1/2" x 5 1/2" $6.00

Extra Large (poster) - 8.5" x 11" $19.95

And this is the inscription on the back of the card. Her name is Kaetlyn because she is the portrait of Kaetlyn, a magical child with diabetes. She is sweetness and inspiration even at times when it is not easy for her. Each rose extends one of Kaetlyn's personal victories to you. Remember Kaetlyn is a magical fairy. She gives hope for tomorrow, courage and wonder for today because like every child with diabetes, she can.

Bake Sale

So Kaetlyn's friends have organized a bake sale at the new Safeway (Vernon Square if you are newer to Vernon than the Safeway) for this Saturday, April 7. Her and her friends are going to 'man' it (girl it?) and they are doing some baking but I know they will need help. Anyone up for doing some baking? Cookies? Cakes? Muffins? Whatever you feel like. Maybe I'll whip up some peanut brittle for the Saturday before Easter....

Dancing

Last night Redfish played up at Silver Star at the Grizzly Den last night - their way of saying thank you to those up there who helped make their recording stint up there possible and enjoyable. Dennis Laurence organized it and is managing the Grizzly Den. He has been a steadfast supporter of Redfish since about 3 months into their existence and he has been the organizer of some of the coolest and funnest Redfish gigs in their 9 year history. And this was no exception. Although the space was small, the ceiling was low (well, not really low but lower than the high-ceilinged places like Monashees or Okanagan Landing Hall and places like that...) and the room had a warm sound - not all echo-ey and full of reverberations that hurt my ears.

I was there by myself so I had no one but the other 'fish wives' to hang out with. And I danced and I danced. And there was a great crowd dancing - great energy. There is always a special energy up there on top of the mountain, surrounded by snow, trees and other mountain peaks. And I danced and I danced and sweat was running down my temples and my back and underneath my breasts and I danced. And I was lost in the sheer joy of music and of dancing. I danced in my sock feet which is my favourite way to dance. And I was completely unconscious of how my body was moving. I was the music, the beat, the sweet guitar, the thrumming bass. My body moved and I was swirling and moving and my spirit soared in a way that has nothing to do with alcohol - only the mood alteration of the music.

And high above it all, I thought about dancing. I thought about this ecstatic experience. Is this what 'holy rollers' were trying to achieve - this oneness with energy? And all my dancing experiences were there with me. That room with the high ceilings and high windows where I took my first dance lessons at 5 years old - creative dance. I use some of the same exercises with the kids in my dance classes (the fairy game was always how we ended class). Then my first ballet class when I was 6 in the community hall in downtown Prince George - across from the coliseum. I was hooked. Ballet was to be my passion for the rest of my life. Although I no longer dance it, I am still in-love with it. But I always loved all kinds of dancing. I loved it when we learned how to square dance in school and different folk circle dances. I even like line dancing (although I wouldn't seek it out).

And I remembered the dances when I was a teenager. One thing mormons really know how to do is dance. Sometimes there was a dance at the church almost every week end. And we danced and danced like we did last night - Victor Quickenden, Dennis Santos, Dean Gregson, Karine, Mary, Lisa, Jill and I - to the strains of Doug and the Slugs, the Powder Blues, "Boys in the Bright White Sports Car", the Beach Boys and the Beatles.... We danced and danced like I did last night and they were all there with me, like we used to be, in my mind. Is it any wonder I married the DJ?

What makes a good dance experience? Good music, good acoustics and lots of fellow dancers who are all in a good mood. If there are not enough dancers, I feel self conscious. If there is a 'pick up' vibe, I cannot relax. Last night everything came together. It was the best time dancing I have had in a long time. I spent most of the night dancing in front of the guitarist who is never sexier to me than when he is playing guitar. The closest we can come to dancing together at moments like that.

This joy of dancing is what I strive to achieve with the little dancers who come to my class. (my next set of dance classes started this last week) When you let children dance and bring out what is inside of them, it is amazing what you see - inspiring, beautiful, soulful. And last night I was in touch with my inner dancer. And today I am recharged, rested and not stiff at all!

Hello, my name is Andrea

And I have a seed problem.... I can't help it, I love seeds. My indoor planting has been delayed by the availability of organic potting soil - being available when I have the van at my disposal. Finally on Friday I bought an entire bale of it as the bags just never came in. So, I started planting - making my own 'peat pots' out of newspaper (brilliant, Mary Sue!). And then I realized that I didn't have any marigold seeds. And of course, I must have marigolds! So I went to Briteland to get some marigold seeds.... and this is what I came home with. You can see the marigold seeds there, right? Can't you? Honest, they are there....


Here is my first tray of planted seeds - the last of last year's peat pots and this year's newspaper pots....








This is what my kitchen table looked like for the entire week end.




And here is what all my windowsills are starting to look like. That little sprout is a pomegranate seed Rhiannon and I planted at the beginning of Feb... At least I hope it is. It took so long to sprout, I do have my doubts - maybe it is a spore from the soil....

Little Things

One of the problems with mass media and our global awareness is that it can all be a little overwhelming. When we look at the problems facing our globe, our world, our earth, our home, it can seem like we are so far gone that there is no point. The problems are so huge and we are so little. Surely what I, one person, does can't make a difference.... I think humans were meant to live in small communities. I think it is overwhelming to find our individual identity when we think of the billions of people who live here with us.

Yet, I believe this is an illusion.... a dangerous illusion.... an illusion that is careening our species to extinction. And I think that there is a shift in consciousness. I think that the number of people uncomfortable with our consumer driven culture is growing. And I think we need to support each other in our efforts so that we know that we are not alone. And I think that every little thing matters.

Here are some of the little things I am doing to live more in harmony with the earth.

Compact fluorescent bulbs that use less electricity.







Not using my dryer. This means being more organized for me. If I do a load of laundry every day, I can mostly avoid using the dryer at all. It is when it piles up that I run into problems. Even with no wonderful wood heat flowing around my clothes horse, most things dry in 24 hours. And the clothes last a lot longer, too - black things stay black.







And with the money I save on those 2 things, I splurge on this more expensive dish detergent (it's only $1 more than regular kinds). And this is what it says on the back of the bottle: "You are making a difference. If every household in the US replaced just one bottle of 25 oz petroleum based dishwashing liquid with our 25 oz vegetable based product we could save 81, 000 barrels of oil, enough to heat and cool 4, 600 US homes for a year.

"Our natural dish liquid gets your dishes sparkling clean yet is gentle on your hands and the earth. We use only ingredients that do not pose any chronic health risks and are safe for the environment..." What do you think? How about replacing one bottle? Now that I've tried it, I love it! I'm never going back. It will be many bottles for me!

Did you know that all those 'phosphate free' dish soaps are petroleum based? Did you know that this company, Seventh Generation, ensures that all their practises and ingredients will not harm the planet down to the 7th generation? In todays 'bottom line' driven economy, companies so often think only of the profit right now and not how it will impact the environment in 1 year let alone in140 years.

So, these are some of the little things I am doing.... How about you? For a great list of suggestions and books, try here.

Pictures from the first days of Spring

The morning sun shining on a misty, cloudy day














Snow drops - the first brave flowers. And the beginnings of red poppies.












Buds that will become beautiful pink blossoms very soon.







And our bikes. Liberated from the basement. They've already been used for a couple of long trips!

Coquihalla Pondering

So yesterday evening at 10:30pm, Dean and I got in the van (cleaned and filled with gas by me) with a bunch of snacks (that we never eat - why do I always grossly over estimate?) and headed for Surrey. We were on our way to get our passports. Dean is heading to Nashville April 8 so we needed to do the fast track thing which you can do by filling out the online application and then going to a Passport Office (of which there are only 4 in BC and all in the lower mainland/island - UNFAIR, I say!) The Coq was terrible (deep slush) and it took us 6 hours to get there. And so we arrived at the passport office at 4:30am. And sat in our lawn chairs in line. And we weren't first. We were 10th and 11th! By 5:30 the line wrapped around the building. By 7:30 it was down the block.... But I digress....

We were admitted into the building (the first 30 people) at 7:45, the office opened at 8 and by 8:30 we were back at our van and heading home. Making that drive through the mountainous wilderness always makes me ponder our relationship to the environment. Today my thoughts (aided by many shots of caffeine because like most Clarkes, I cannot bare to let someone else drive and I did most of the 11 hours of driving.... Clarkes being naturally superior drivers, even if we do say so ourselves and tend to be a little on the fast side....) started to think about all the resources used by Dean and I to procure our passports. The gasoline, the emissions, the disturbance of large tracts of wilderness as we passed through it, the resources used for making the Coquihalla and maintain it, the plow/sanding trucks emissions and fuel used to clear the road for us, the wildlife habitat that was destroyed to create the highway, the resources used to make our van, the resources used to make the factory, the emissions of the factory, and so on... And I couldn't help but wonder if there wasn't a better way to do it? Really, there is an illusion of the government saving money by having so few passport offices. Yet the cost to the environment for the travel necessary in cases like ours, is a cost that we all bear in different ways - the government is responsible for the maintenance of the roads, for example, which get more wear and tear when we have to travel like this. I bet in the long run, it would be more cost effective to have passport offices in local centres. A drive to Kelowna at 4:00am would have used a lot less resources!

And then I started to think about what it would be like if we had to acknowledge and be conscious of the resources used for everything that we use. Like if when we went to the grocery store, instead of the steak being just anonymous meat, before we could purchase it, we had to realize all the resources that went into making that steak, all the resources that were used to grow the grain to feed the cow, the gas used to power the tractor, all the resources used to get the oil and turn it into gas or diesel, the emissions of the tractor, the efforts of the rancher, the resources used to round up the cow... And also we had to realize where this cow lived and how it lived to provide us with this steak. Or if when we went to buy toilet paper, we had to acknowledge all the resources that went into that paper, the trees that were cut, the fuel that the machinery used, the emissions they made, the resources used to build the pulp mill, the cost to the environment for the emmissions (and I spent 8 years in Prince George, so I have an idea of this... the smell of PG is the smell of the pulp mill on most days... kind of like a ripe fart), the polution created to bleach it, the fish that died, the waterways that were killed, and so on. Or when we went to buy a car, we had to come to terms with all the resources used to make the car and the factory to make the car and the impact that using the car would have on the environment... I think you get the idea. How would that change how we consume? Because I think it would.

For several years awhile ago, I got myself some bummer lambs (lambs whose mother's had either died or rejected them) and bottle fed them joyfully with my children and raised them and then had them slaughtered and butchered. And then we ate them. In fact the day they came back from the butcher, the first chops would go on the BBQ and we would celebrate and enjoy our lamb. Friends who were ravenous carnivores criticized me for 'exposing my children' to this barbarism. And wondered how I could bare to eat those cute creatures who we named, bottle fed and played with. My retort was that all meat was cute once and that I think if we all had to see what our meat looked like before it gave it's live for our nutrition, that there would be a lot more vegetarians and that people in general would eat a lot less meat! I also I would rather know that the meat I am eating had a good life and was treated with love while it was alive.

This all leads me to ponder the danger in the disconnect of our urban lifestyle. It seems predisposed to imbalance. The milk we drink comes from a plastic jug. The meat we eat comes from the store. The butter and cheese, the noodles, the beans all come from the store. Considering the ultimate source is often distasteful. Our food is anonymous. We are disconnected from the source. We do not have to grapple with the ethical questions of the rain forrests in the Amazon cut down for our soy milk when we purchase the chaste carton in the store. We do not have to face the lives of cattle or chickens raised in factory farming situations when we pick up the packages of meat in the cooler. We do not have to face the loss of bird habitat, prairie dog and other small rodents' habitat that have been destroyed for the grain to make our bread and pasta and to feed the stock to feed our voracious appetite for meat. Or that the herds of bison were slaughtered for the 'progress' of the railroad and the many natural habitats that have been destroyed for our homes... and the second and third homes. These casualties are so old now that only their ghosts faintly roam the land.

I believe that it is true, the 'blind shall see' and that our 'secrets will be shouted from the housetops'. I believe that there is always an end to the darkness of ignorance. I believe that sooner or later, we always have to face the consequence of our actions. Always. Anytime we embark on an action, the end result, the consequence for good or bad, is inevitably set. And the actions that we have taken as a society, although they are not held to account in the same generation will ultimately be held to account.

When?........ How about now....

And when I got home, I find that my friend who inspires me is pondering the same things today. You can read what she wrote here