Thursday, May 04, 2006

One Month With Nothing To Do

I would love to have 1 month with nothing to do - nothing that I HAVE to do, anyways. I am discouraged. We have lived here more than a month now and the boxes are still piled up. I love this house and I love our yard. I would love it if everyday I had nothing to do but get up and arrange my house and my gardens and just putter and sew and make it the way I like. But there is always something going on. Even just having one thing that is only 1 hour long seems to take up so much of the day. Why is that? And the only things that are reasonable things I could cut out are the things that nourish ME - like our homeschooling playgroup.

And Dean is leaving tomorrow and he is going to be gone 10 days. He told me 2 days ago. I am pretty upset about it. And I can see how distressed he is to see how upset I am and I hate for him to leave when I am so upset at him. I know he didn't do it intentionally... But HOW can he NOT think of such a thing and make arrangements for the lack of income while he is gone, etc.?!? Really, how? I wish I could be like that and not always have the heavy mantle of responsiblity on my back. Sometimes I hate being strong and capable all the damn time! So I will wash windows next week. I've already got the week almost booked. Not that I should be climbing ladders... And not that I have the upper body strength to be using the extension pole for extended periods of time... But I am hoping that I will be able to do a few days worth of work. So my already busy schedule will be insanely busy. Hang on a minute... wasn't already insanely busy? What comes after insanely busy?

So how does one act like a grown-up in this situation. Part of me wants to be a grown up and part of me wants revenge - the stronger part. And I want him to suffer like I am suffering. But if something happened to him on his tour (to Saskatchewan) I would be devastated. And I feel sad to think of him feeling so alone and distressed on the road. Then that part of me that wants revenge says in a nasty little voice... "too bad he didn't have the same concern for you..." So really, I want to act like a grown up. How does a grown up act? Where is the line between being a door mat and being kind and compassionate. I thank god for my female friends and their love, concern and support. I'd never make it without them! Truly having a relationship is the hardest damn work there is.

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