Fight for Me

I was thinking today about my relationship. It is slowly recovering from Dean's 10-day-tour-3-day-notice thing. But I realized that I want him to show me something - some emotion - some passion....SOMETHING. I want him to fight for me. Like if this was the wild west, I would want him to duel somebody for me (well at least be willing to....) Perhaps this is rather an immature thing and it is deffinitely dramatic, yes?

But my husband is not a fighter. He is a stayer. He has staying power. Somehow, through everything (and there has been no shortage of 'things' - from the challenges of being a step-parent to 3 children to broken legs) he stays. He stays and he stays and he stays. Sometimes I must drive him near to distraction but he stays. And it is not that it is only me that he won't fight for, he is just not the fighting kind. He is the kind who lets things be, who lets them go by. I know this way we balance each other - I put fight into him and he helps me let things be sometimes...

I realized that sometimes I push and push, hoping to get him to 'fight' for me - to declare himself. I want him to say it, "No, I'll never leave you, you are the most wonderful woman in the world". But he doesn't say it. He would think that silly and dramatic and 'over-the-top' and unnecessary. But he stays. And I don't think my pushing is such a good thing to do. Sometimes while doing it, I wonder why I am doing it? I can see that I am poking at him but I never really understood why. I got it today. I want that dramatic declaration... I need to recognize that he does it without words. I know that it is not easy to be my spouse. I have this drive to examine myself and my life - its an irrestistible drive that is behind all I do. I want REAL. I want to be the REAL me and I want my life to reflect ME and what I believe. I am always searching inside myself. My mind is always working on me - rolling things over, twisting them about - until I 'get it'.

So I am very grateful to my wonderful friends who say those dramatic things to me - who tell me how wonderful I am. It truly feeds my soul. Perhaps I can stop pushing and poking my husband. Wow, wouldn't he like that!